Irish jokes ... Thanks Clay Vice!

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, 'It's golf balls'.

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked;

'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?'

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.



"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.



Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".



Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".



------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --



Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"



"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.



"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"



------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------



Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.



A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.



Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.



Cop says "For gods sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"



------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------



An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.



His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"



He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.



"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.



"Here boy" he replies.



------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------



Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.



"What the hell you doing?" he asks.



"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.



"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.



"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".



----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- -----



An answer I can understand. An American tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"



To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat ."