Beer and the Wheel . . . Thx Gary I !

Subject: Beer and the Wheel BEER and the WHEEL The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel.  Beer required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.  The wheel was invented to get man to the beer and vice versa.  These two were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: 1/ Liberals and 2/ Conservatives.  Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.  Other men who were less skilled at hunting (called 'vegetarians' which was an early human word meaning 'bad hunter') learned to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hairdressing. This was the beginning of the liberal movement.   Some of these liberal men evolved into women. Others became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.  Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons.  Conservatives drink real beer. In order to be more productive and increase their profit, ancient Conservatives also invented the wheel.  Later, they improved upon the design and motorized it – allowing for beer compatible cultural activities such as the drive-in movie, fast food eateries, and NASCAR. As a species, they prefer red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are members of the military, big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, airline pilots, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want to work for a living.  Liberals produce very little or nothing at all. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to the New World. They crept in after the American wild west was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.   Over time, liberals evolved into devout Marxists. In America, they were called Democratic Socialists.  Finding it difficult to breed in sufficient numbers to survive, they changed their herd mating call to “Progressive-Progressive”.  American progressives are easy to spot. They like lite beer (with lime added), and many prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard progressive fare. They are attracted to participation trophies, celebrity award shows, and love demonizing anyone not of their herd.  Most college professors, social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, film makers in Hollywood, group therapists, and community organizers are progressives.  Progressives meddled in our national pastime and invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.  Another interesting evolutionary side note: many progressive women have higher testosterone levels than their men.   While small (but vocal) in number, progressives recently ruled this continent after Conservatives produced so much wealth that many forgot how it was produced in the first place.  Taxes were levied upon beer and the wheel again and again.  Regulation upon regulation was also issued until the wheels of commerce became rusty, forcing many beer manufacturers to move overseas.  Drive In movies died, imported beer costs skyrocketed, until costs finally impacted the average joe’s capacity to hit the drive-thru for a burger.  Conservatives awoke as if from a dream.  They became angry and began to mobilize. They threw down their game boy joy sticks; re-read the US Constitution and remembered this simple truth….   “Beer is good. Wheels are good.”   Down with the elitist tyrants (and don’t talk to pollsters!).    Votes were cast. The crowd cheered. And, in November, an embarrassing loud whine emanated from ivory towers on both coasts (and Chicago – but it was drowned out by gunfire). This will be known to future historians as the Barack Clinton death wail.   Thus ends todays history lesson.   It should be noted that a today’s Progressive may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to this post.  A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be shared immediately to other true believers and to just piss off their more progressive friends.  Let your next action reveal your true self.  Conservatives -  reclaim your freedom.  For me, I’m taking my wheels to buy a steak and some beer.