Deaf Bookkeeper
Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf.
That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me."
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where is the money Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge !"
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Don't you just LOVE lawyers?! Just brings tears to your eyes!
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
To all you OWLS... Thanks Carol and Clay Vice!
To all you OWLS
(Older Wiser Laughing Souls)
Wisdom from Grandpa......
Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earning"his salt" that he forgets his sugar.
Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.
When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.
On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.
A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washing', ironing', cooking' and scrubbing'. No wife of mine is gonna "work"."
Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up or leaks.
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
Have a GREAT day........and keep Laughing!
It's good for the soul .
And remember my motto:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention
of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body.
But rather to skid in sideways, body thoroughly used up,
totally worn out and screaming "WOO--HOO, what a ride!"
Have a wonderful day!
And pay the undertaker with a bad check.
(Older Wiser Laughing Souls)
Wisdom from Grandpa......
Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earning"his salt" that he forgets his sugar.
Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.
When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.
On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.
A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washing', ironing', cooking' and scrubbing'. No wife of mine is gonna "work"."
Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up or leaks.
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
Have a GREAT day........and keep Laughing!
It's good for the soul .
And remember my motto:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention
of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body.
But rather to skid in sideways, body thoroughly used up,
totally worn out and screaming "WOO--HOO, what a ride!"
Have a wonderful day!
And pay the undertaker with a bad check.
Jesus ... Thanks John Bob Looney!
Thnaks John Bob Looney!
Jesus died over 2000 years ago.
Nobody has ever referred to him as the late Jesus, not even the heathens.
Nowhere in history.
Nowhere has He EVER been referred to in past tense!
He is the Living God!
97% OF YOU WON'T FORWARD THIS MESSAGE,
When Jesus died on the cross He was thinking of you!
If you are one of the 3% who will stand up for Him, forward this.
“May God Smile at You Today"
Jesus died over 2000 years ago.
Nobody has ever referred to him as the late Jesus, not even the heathens.
Nowhere in history.
Nowhere has He EVER been referred to in past tense!
He is the Living God!
97% OF YOU WON'T FORWARD THIS MESSAGE,
When Jesus died on the cross He was thinking of you!
If you are one of the 3% who will stand up for Him, forward this.
“May God Smile at You Today"
Impressions of our young... Thanks Terri Kushner!
Impressions of our young... Thanks Terri Kushner!
LOT'S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted,
'My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,' he announced
triumphantly, 'and she turned into a telephone pole!'
________________________________
GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the
Good Samaritan. She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on
the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?'
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up.'
________________________________
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, 'Johnny, do you think Noah did
a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?'
'No,' replied Johnny. 'How could he, with just two worms.'
________________________________
HIGHER POWER
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, 'We have been
learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?'
One child blurted out, 'Aces!'
________________________________
MOSES AND THE RED SEA
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.
'Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind
enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.'
'Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?' his Mother asked.
'Well, no, Mom.. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!'
________________________________
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class
memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.
Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.
On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in
front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, 'The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.'
________________________________
UNANSWERED PRAYER
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father
always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
'Well, Honey,' he began, proud that his daughter was so
observant of his messages. 'I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.'
'How come He doesn't answer it?' she asked.
________________________________
BEING THANKFUL
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, 'So your mother
says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?'
The little boy replied, 'Thank God he's in bed!'
________________________________
UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER
During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud
whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, 'Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?'
Tommy answered soberly, 'I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!'
________________________________
TIME TO PRAY
A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.
'Yes, sir.' the boy replied.
'And, do you always say them in the morning, too?' the pastor asked.. 'No sir,' the boy replied. 'I ain't scared in the daytime.'
________________________________
ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would
bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, 'And all girls.'
This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this
closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, 'Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?'
Her response, 'Because everybody always finish their prayers
by saying 'All Men'!'
________________________________
SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his
Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.' said his mother.
'I don't need to,' the boy replied. 'Of course, you do.' his mother
insisted. 'We always say a prayer before eating at our house.'
'That's at our house.' Johnny explained. 'But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!'
LOT'S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted,
'My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,' he announced
triumphantly, 'and she turned into a telephone pole!'
________________________________
GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the
Good Samaritan. She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on
the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?'
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up.'
________________________________
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, 'Johnny, do you think Noah did
a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?'
'No,' replied Johnny. 'How could he, with just two worms.'
________________________________
HIGHER POWER
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, 'We have been
learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?'
One child blurted out, 'Aces!'
________________________________
MOSES AND THE RED SEA
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.
'Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind
enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.'
'Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?' his Mother asked.
'Well, no, Mom.. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!'
________________________________
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class
memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.
Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.
On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in
front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, 'The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.'
________________________________
UNANSWERED PRAYER
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father
always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
'Well, Honey,' he began, proud that his daughter was so
observant of his messages. 'I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.'
'How come He doesn't answer it?' she asked.
________________________________
BEING THANKFUL
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, 'So your mother
says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?'
The little boy replied, 'Thank God he's in bed!'
________________________________
UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER
During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud
whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, 'Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?'
Tommy answered soberly, 'I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!'
________________________________
TIME TO PRAY
A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.
'Yes, sir.' the boy replied.
'And, do you always say them in the morning, too?' the pastor asked.. 'No sir,' the boy replied. 'I ain't scared in the daytime.'
________________________________
ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would
bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, 'And all girls.'
This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this
closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, 'Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?'
Her response, 'Because everybody always finish their prayers
by saying 'All Men'!'
________________________________
SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his
Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.' said his mother.
'I don't need to,' the boy replied. 'Of course, you do.' his mother
insisted. 'We always say a prayer before eating at our house.'
'That's at our house.' Johnny explained. 'But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!'
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