English and it idiosyncracies ,,, Thx Sarah R!

FOR THOSE  WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF  ENGLISH: ONE  TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE   TEQUILA, ......  FLOOR. ATHEISM IS A  NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION. IF  MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE  MONKEYS AND APES? I  WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP  SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE  PURPOSE. WHAT  IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS? IF A  DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH  SOAP? IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL  HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE  SITUATION? IS THERE  ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM? WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT  ALL?" WHAT  DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED  PLANT? IF A  PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS  WAGES? WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A  WALK? WHY  DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION TOILETS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL  BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM? IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR  NAKED? IF THE  POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN  SILENT? WHY  DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK  MACHINES? HOW  DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD  SIGNS? WHAT  WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD? ONE  NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER  PEOPLE. DOES  THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA? (This one took me a minute) HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL  WAR? IF YOU  ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE  HUNGRY? IF  YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU  DONE? WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN  IT? WHY IS IT  CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT  THEM? WHY  IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM? IF  YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME  DISORIENTED? CAN AN  ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

New Preamble ... Thx Ramey H!

 New Preamble

 

 

 

 

New preamble to the constitution

This is probably the best e-mail I've seen in a long, long  time.

The following has been attributed to Lewis Napper, a Jackson, Mississippi computer programmer. He didn't expect his essay -- a tart 10-point list of "rights" Americans don't have -- to become an Internet legend.

'We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to  help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional.

We hold these truths to be self evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of  Rights and are so dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights.'

ARTICLE I: 
You do not  have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth.. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing  anything.
ARTICLE II:
You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not  just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc.; but the world is full of dummies, and probably always will be.
ARTICLE III:
You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful; do not expect  the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.
ARTICLE  IV:
You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who  achieve nothing more than the creation of another  generation of professional couch potatoes.
ARTICLE V:
You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.
ARTICLE  VI:
You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you get the blue juice. 
ARTICLE  VII:
You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure..
ARTICLE VIII:
You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.
ARTICLE IX:
You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws  created by those of you who were confused by the Bill  of Rights.
ARTICLE X:
This is an English speaking country. We don't care where you came from, English is our language. Learn it! 
Lastly 

ARTICLE  XI:
You do not have the right to change our country's history or heritage. This country was founded on the belief in one true God. And yet, you are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of persecution. The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of our heritage and history, sorry if you are uncomfortable with it. 

If you  agree, share this with a friend. No, you don't have to, and nothing tragic will befall you if you don't. I  just think it's about time common sense is allowed to flourish. Sensible people of the United States must  speak out because if you do not, who will?