Merry Christmas To My Female
Friends
If I were ol' Santa, you know what I'd do
I'd dump silly gifts
that are given to you
And deliver some things just inside your front
door
Things you have lost, but treasured before.
I'd give you back all
your maidenly vigor,
And to go along with it, a neat tiny figure.
Then
restore the old color that once graced your hair
Before rinses and bleaches
took residence there.
I'd bring back the shape with which you were
gifted
So things now suspended need not be uplifted.
I'd draw in your
tummy and smooth down your back
Till you'd be a dream in those tight fitting
slacks.
I'd remove all your wrinkles and leave only one chin
So you
wouldn't spend hours rubbing grease on your skin.
You'd never have flashes or
queer dizzy spells,
And you wouldn't hear noises like ringing of
bells.
No sore aching feet and no corns on your toes,
No searching for
spectacles when they're right on your nose.
Not a shot would you take in your
arm, hip or fanny,
From a doctor who thinks you're a nervous old
granny.
You'd never have a headache, so no pills would you take.
And
no heating pad needed since your muscles won't ache.
Yes, if I were Santa,
you'd never look stupid,
You'd be a cute little chick with the romance of a
cupid.
I'd give a lift to your heart when those wolves start to
whistle,
And the joys of your heart would be light as a thistle.
But alas!
I'm not Santa. I'm simply just me,
The matronest of matrons you ever did
see.
I wish I could tell you all the symptoms I've got,
But I'm due at
my doctor's for an estrogen shot.
Even though we've grown older, this wish is
sincere,
Merry Christmas to you and a Happy New Year.
