Best jokes in a Long Time, Paul C! Thx! ...

Subject: A Smile for Your Day!
To:

 
 
A police recruit was asked during the exam,
“What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?”
He answered, “Call for backup.”
 
 
 

 
 
 

 
 
 

 
 
 

 
 
 

 
 
 
I have so many problems that if a new one comes along today,
it will be at least two weeks before I can worry about it.
 
 
 

 
 
 
A cop pulls a guy over for weaving across two lanes of traffic.
He walks up to the driver’s window and asks, "You drinkin'?”
The driver said, “Well that depends - You buyin’?”
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Jokes ... thx Paul C!

Two Ladies Talking in  Heaven

1st woman:    Hi! Wanda.

2nd woman:   Hi! Sylvia.  How'd you die?

1st woman:    I froze to death.

2nd woman:   How horrible!

1st woman:    It wasn't so bad. After I quit  shaking from the cold, I
began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What
about you?

2nd woman:   I died of a  massive heart attack. I suspected that my
husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman:    So, what happened?

2nd woman:   I was so sure there was another woman  there somewhere
that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the
attic and searched, and down into the basement.  Then I went through
every closet and checked under all the beds.  I kept this up until I
had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just
keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman:   Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still
be alive.

PRICELESS
 *****
A man had just settled in to his seat next to the window on the plane
when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador
Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog
was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement
Agency and that the dog was a ‘sniffing dog’.

‘His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I’ll show you once we
get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said,
‘Watch this.'

He told Sniffer to 'search'.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very
purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then
returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman’s arm.

The Policeman said, ‘Goodboy’, and he turned to the man and said,
'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her
seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

'Gee, that's pretty good,'replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles..

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds,
returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent’s
arm.

The Policeman said, ‘That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m
making a note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to ‘search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for
a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the
middle seat and proceeded to shit on the seat.

The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn’t
figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that. So he
asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'

The Policeman nervously replied, ‘He's just found a bomb.'

A guy walks into a bar ... Thx Marge R!

> Guy walks into a bar
> 
> 
>             A rich Muslim walks into a bar.  He is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing  a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl and traditional locks of hair.
>             He doesn't have to be Einstein to know this guy is Jewish. He shouts over  to the bartender loud  enough so that everyone can hear:  "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Jew over there."
> 
>             Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says: "Thank you"  in an equally  loud voice. This infuriates the Muslim.  
>             He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew.  As before this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy.  He continues to smile, and again yells: "Thank you."
> 
>             The Muslim asks the bartender: "What's the matter with that Jew?  I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all he does is smile and thank me."
> 
> 
>             The bartender replies: "He owns the place."
> 

Nominated best joke of the year ... Thx Paul C!

Subject: FW: Joke of the year

NOMINATED THE BEST JOKE OF THE YEAR:  A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person 

he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical 

care, and a free education!" The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican." The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you

for having such a beautiful country here in America." The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese." The new arrival walks farther, and the next

person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America!" That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East.

I am not American." He finally sees a woman and asks, "Are you an American?" She says, "No, I am from Africa." Puzzled,  he asks her,

"Where are all the Americans?" The African woman checks her watch and says, "Probably at work.."

IF YOU DON'T PASS THIS ON TO YOUR FRIENDS, BY 11:30 AM TOMORROW, YOU WILL RECEIVE THREE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ABSOLUTELY FREE.