Jokes ... thx Paul C!

Two Ladies Talking in  Heaven

1st woman:    Hi! Wanda.

2nd woman:   Hi! Sylvia.  How'd you die?

1st woman:    I froze to death.

2nd woman:   How horrible!

1st woman:    It wasn't so bad. After I quit  shaking from the cold, I
began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What
about you?

2nd woman:   I died of a  massive heart attack. I suspected that my
husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman:    So, what happened?

2nd woman:   I was so sure there was another woman  there somewhere
that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the
attic and searched, and down into the basement.  Then I went through
every closet and checked under all the beds.  I kept this up until I
had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just
keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman:   Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still
be alive.

PRICELESS
 *****
A man had just settled in to his seat next to the window on the plane
when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador
Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog
was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement
Agency and that the dog was a ‘sniffing dog’.

‘His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I’ll show you once we
get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said,
‘Watch this.'

He told Sniffer to 'search'.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very
purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then
returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman’s arm.

The Policeman said, ‘Goodboy’, and he turned to the man and said,
'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her
seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

'Gee, that's pretty good,'replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles..

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds,
returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent’s
arm.

The Policeman said, ‘That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m
making a note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to ‘search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for
a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the
middle seat and proceeded to shit on the seat.

The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn’t
figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that. So he
asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'

The Policeman nervously replied, ‘He's just found a bomb.'

Conversation opened. 1 unread message.

Skip to content
Using Gmail with screen readers

Search

Gmail

COMPOSE

Labels

Inbox (23,705)

Starred

Important

Sent Mail

Drafts (951)

Circles

[Imap]/Sent

[Imap]/Trash (10)

Personal

skegley.kegley@gmail.com,

Travel

More

 

---

Hangouts

 

 

 

 

 

More

 

3 of 37,463

 

 

 

Fwd: Fw: 100 Accomplishments In President Trump's First 100 Days Inbox x .     DO YOU WONDER WHAT TRUMP DID FOR 100 DAYS?  DON’T ASK A LIBERAL!  (By Gary Bauer) Today mark's President Trump's 100th day in office. We know the left-wing media are not celebrating that milestone, but we are! And we also know that you won't get any positive news about the president's accomplishments from ABC, CBS,CNN or MSDNC. That's why we put together the following list highlighting some of President Trump's significant accomplishments. And we are sharing with you again, just in case you missed it yesterday. Please share this message with friends and family members. And, if you appreciate this work, please support CWF right now. Together we will Make America Great Again!  100 Accomplishments In President Trump's First 100 Days 1. Vice President Mike Pence, an unapologetic pro-family, pro-life conservative. 2. Justice Neil Gorsuch, an originalist committed to the Constitution. 3. Attorney General Jeff Sessions, a staunch conservative committed to the rule of law. 4. Defense Secretary James Mattis, a warrior committed to restoring America's military. 5. Homeland Security Secretary John Kelly, a former general committed to border security. 6. Secretary of State Rex Tillerson, a former CEO who understands how the real world works. 7. Housing and Urban Development Secretary Ben Carson, a brain surgeon from a humble background. 8. Health and Human Services Secretary Tom Price, a doctor who understands health care. 9. Education Secretary Betsy DeVos, an advocate of school choice and educational reform. 10. Energy Secretary Rick Perry, a former governor who knows the energy industry. 11. Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross, a former CEO who understands the business world. 12. EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt, a conservative committed to reining in big government. 13. U.N. Ambassador Nikki Haley, a fearless advocate for American values. 14. U.S. Ambassador to Israel David Friedman, a true fried of Israel. 15. White House Chief Strategist Steve Bannon, a conservative warrior against crony capitalism and the left. 16. National Security Adviser Lt. Gen. H. R. McMaster, an accomplished military commander. 17. White House Counterterrorism Adviser Sebastian Gorka,committed to defeating radical Islam. 18. Restored the U.S. alliance with Israel. 19. Welcomed Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu to the White House. 20. Restored U.S. leadership in the world. 21. Enforced red lines against the use of chemical weapons in Syria. 22. Dropped MOAB bomb on ISIS; sending a clear message to Iran and North Korea. 23. Secured Chinese cooperating in pressuring North Korea. 24. Secured release of Aya Hijazi, American charity worker held in Egypt since 2014. 25. Imposed a five-year ban on lobbying the government by former White House officials. 26. Imposed a lifetime ban on lobbying for foreign governments by former White House officials. 27. Repeatedly called out the liberal media for "fake news." 28. Repealed Obama mandate that forced states to fund Planned Parenthood. 29. Signed executive order reinstating Reagan policy against taxpayer funding of overseas abortions. 30. Stopped U.S. funding to the United Nations Population Fund, which promotes abortions. 31. Signed executive order establishing "extreme vetting." 32. Signed executive order demanding a comprehensive plan to defeat ISIS. 33. Signed executive order calling for construction of border wall and 5,000 border agents. 34. Signed executive order directing Justice Department to cut funding to sanctuary cities. 35. Signed executive order initiating a temporary federal hiring freeze. 36. Signed executive order withdrawing from the Transpacific Partnership trade deal. 37. Signed executive order relaxing enforcement of Obamacare to greatest extent possible. 38. Signed executive order requiring two regulations be repealed for every new one issued. 39. Signed executive order requiring comprehensive approach to illegal immigration and crime. 40. Signed executive order seeking increased penalties for crimes against police. 41. Signed executive order promoting energy independence. 42. Signed executive order putting American companies and workers first. 43. Signed executive order mandating review of federal regulations in education. 44. Signed executive order investigating national security impact of foreign steel imports. 45. Signed executive order requiring an audit of executive branch agencies. 46. Signed executive order requiring every agency create a regulatory reform task force. 47. Signed executive order rolling back Obama environmental infringements on private property. 48. Signed executive order to prevent future taxpayer-funded bailouts. 49. Signed executive order to reverse Obama restrictions on offshore energy development. 50. Signed executive order calling for a major review of national monument designations on federal lands. 51. Signed executive order establishing a new office to reform the Veterans Administration bureaucracy. 52. Signed executive order to address concerns of Rural America. 53. Signed executive order establishing White House Initiative on Historically Black Colleges and Universities. 54. Signed executive order creating a commission on drug addiction and the opioid crisis. 55. Signed executive order to combat transnational criminal organizations and international trafficking. 56. Repealed Obama's transgender public school bathroom mandate. 57. Repealed Obama "Stream Protection Rule" that hurt coal industry. 58. Repealed Obama Social Security Administration (SSA) gun ban. 59. Repealed Obama Labor "blacklisting" rule with $500 million in regulatory costs. 60. Repealed Obama Interior rule that restricted state and local authority in land use decisions. 61. Repealed unfunded Obama education mandate that created new standards for teachers. 62. Repealed Obama education rule that undermined state and local control. 63. Repealed Obama regulation that prevented drug testing for unemployment compensation. 64. Repealed Obama rule that banned some hunting in Alaska. 65. Repealed Obama regulation that created vastly more paperwork and reporting of worker injuries. 66. Repealed Obama regulations on Internet Service Providers. 67. Repealed Obama rule that allowed states to force workers into government-run savings plans. 68. Repealed Dodd-Frank regulations that disadvantaged domestic companies. 69. Imposed sanctions on Iran for its ballistic missile violations. 70. Imposed sanctions on Iran for human rights violations. 71. Ordered a review of the Iranian nuclear deal. 72. Produced a budget that cut $54 billion from bloated federal bureaucracies. 73. Produced a budget that would eliminate 50 programs and more than 3,000 federal jobs. 74. Produced a budget that boosted spending for defense, homeland security and veterans. 75. Produced a tax reform plan that simplifies the tax code and reduces taxes for businesses and families. 76. Approved construction of the Keystone XL pipeline. 77. Approved construction of the Dakota Access pipeline. 78. Shutdown illegal immigrant advocacy program at Department of Justice. 79. Established Victims of Immigration Crime Engagement (VOICE) office. 80. Reduced illegal immigration at the border by 61%. 81. Called for "major investigation" of voter fraud led by Vice President Mike Pence. 82. Called for repeal of the Johnson Amendment, which limits free speech of pastors and churches. 83. Called for 50% cut in funding to the United Nations. 84. Supported English as official language by dropping Spanish version of the White House website. 85. Purged "climate change" alarmism from White House website. 86. Returned bust of Winston Churchill to the Oval Office. 87. Succeeded in getting NATO nations to boost defense spending by $10 billion. 88. Halted $180 billion in Obama regulations. 89. Signed legislation expanding private healthcare options for veterans. 90. Relaxed Rules of Engagement in the fight against ISIS. 91. Imposed sanctions on Venezuelan vice president for international drug trafficking. 92. Consumer confidence highest in 17 years. 93. Small business confidence highest in 11 years. 94. Stock market is up 10% since inauguration, up 15% since election. 95. Exxon Mobil announced $20 billion/45,000 job expansion in U.S. 96. Charter Communications announced $25 billion expansion, creating 20,000 jobs in U.S. 97. Accenture announced $1.4 billion expansion, creating 15,000 jobs in U.S. 98. Intel announced $7 billion expansion, creating 10,000 jobs in the U.S. 99. Ordered renegotiation of North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA) with Canada and Mexico. 100. Named former Congressman Scott Garrett, an outspoken critic of the Export-Import Bank to the bank's Board of Directors. SOURCES: Whitehouse.gov Presidential Actions Breitbart Fox News The Daily Caller The Washington Examiner CNBC * * * * * Click here to Reply, Reply to all, or Forward 10.3 GB (68%) of 15 GB used Manage Terms - Privacy Last account activity: 4 minutes ago Details

People (8) Sarah Rapp 2 circles Show details