Punography ... Thx Marge R!

Punography

·  I tried to catch some fog.  I mist.

·  When chemists die, they barium.

·  Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

·  A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

·  I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid.  He says he can stop any time.

·  I stayed up all night to see where the sun went.  Then it dawned on me.

·  This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

·  I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.  I can't put it down.

·  I did a theatrical performance about puns.  It was a play on words .

·  They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

·  This dyslexic man walks into a bra .

·  I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

·  When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

·  What does a clock do when it's hungry?  It goes back four seconds..

·  I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

·  Broken pencils are pointless.

·  What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?  A thesaurus.

·  England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool ..

·  I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

·  All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen.  Police say they have nothing to go on.

·  I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

·  Velcro - what a rip off!

·  Cartoonist found dead in home.  Details are sketchy.

Punnies! Thanks Sonny!

The ability to make and understand puns is considered to be the highest level of language development. Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman delivers a set of identical twins and decides to give them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" the friars to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, dude, this is so bad, it's good…..) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

**********

A really cute one ... Thanks Judi Cole!

These are cute!




*I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.



Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.*



* *



*I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.*



* *



*I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be



driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family



and work.*



* *



*I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.*



* *



*I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.*



* *



*I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.*



* *



*Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.*



* *



*One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!*



* *



*I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing.*



* *



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Puns for the educated ... Thanks Ramey!

Especially for special pun lovers:

1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.




Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."



"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"



Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."



---------------------



2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, ...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.



---------------------



3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down.. You'll just have to be a little patient."



---------------------



4. Back in 1849 the Tate Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California ..



This, of course, is the origin of the expression -- "He who has a Tate's is lost!"



----------------------



5. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."



----------------------



6. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."



----------------------



7. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that... the sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus hide is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. (Some of you may need help with this one).



-----------------------



8. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."



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puns for "slightly higher" IQ's ... Thanks Mr. Hoskins!

Not to worry ... all SamKat blog readers are "slightly higher and above IQ's".  As a habit, liberals just do not enter.  ;)

SamKat


Anyone who jumps off a bridge in Paris is in Seine .

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

The definition of a Will? A dead give away.

In democracy your vote counts....In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you'll get repossessed

The man who fell into an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted...tain't yours & tain't mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

















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The message was checked by ESET Smart Security.



http://www.eset.com

 habit, liberals just do not enter.  ;)

FW- With fronds like these who needs enemas- Ramey

Hey Bob!  My Sciotoville friend, Ramey Sonny Hoskinsm came across with these "Eddies".  Eddie Marsh is Bob's sister's husband who has a fondness for the corniest jokes.  Thanks Sonny!








1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.



Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."



"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"



Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."



---------------------



2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, ...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.



---------------------



3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down..You'll just have to be a little patient."



---------------------



4. Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression -- "He who has a Tate's is lost!"



----------------------



5. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off,

chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."



----------------------



6. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."



----------------------



7. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that... the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. (Some of you may need help with this one).



-----------------------



8. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."