English and it idiosyncracies ,,, Thx Sarah R!

FOR THOSE  WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF  ENGLISH: ONE  TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE   TEQUILA, ......  FLOOR. ATHEISM IS A  NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION. IF  MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE  MONKEYS AND APES? I  WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP  SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE  PURPOSE. WHAT  IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS? IF A  DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH  SOAP? IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL  HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE  SITUATION? IS THERE  ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM? WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT  ALL?" WHAT  DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED  PLANT? IF A  PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS  WAGES? WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A  WALK? WHY  DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION TOILETS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL  BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM? IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR  NAKED? IF THE  POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN  SILENT? WHY  DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK  MACHINES? HOW  DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD  SIGNS? WHAT  WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD? ONE  NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER  PEOPLE. DOES  THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA? (This one took me a minute) HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL  WAR? IF YOU  ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE  HUNGRY? IF  YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU  DONE? WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN  IT? WHY IS IT  CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT  THEM? WHY  IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM? IF  YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME  DISORIENTED? CAN AN  ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

Heteronyms ... Thx Ramey H!

Heteronyms... this is brilliant

 

 

Homographs are words of like spelling but with more than one meaning.

A homograph that is also pronounced differently is a heteronym.

 

      

You think English is easy?

 

I think a retired English teacher was bored...THIS IS GREAT!

 

 

Read all the way to the end...

 

This took a lot of work to put together! 

 

  

 

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

 

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

 

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

 

4) We must polish the Polish furniture..

 

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

 

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert..

 

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. 

 

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

 

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

 

10) I did not object to the object. 

 

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

 

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

 

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

 

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.  

 

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

 

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

 

17) The wind was too strong for me to wind the sail.

 

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..

 

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

 

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

 

 

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

 

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

 

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

 

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

 

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

 

PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick'?

 

 

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this.

 

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'

 

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

 

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?

 

Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

 

We call UP our friends.

 

And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.

 

We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

 

At other times the little word has real special meaning.

 

People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

 

To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

 

A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

 

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

 

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

 

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary.

 

In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

 

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.

 

It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

 

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.

 

When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.

 

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.

 

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

 

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP,

 

for now my time is UP,

 

so.......it is time to shut UP!

 

Now it's UP to you what you do with this email.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

=

 

You just gotta love the Brits! ... thanks John M!

You’ve just got to love the Brits!!!

A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London . He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.

The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door. The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing?

"The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so f**k off and wait for a camel."

You think english is easy ... Thanks John Massey!

Does Esperanto avoid these John?

Sam

You think English is easy???



1) The bandage was wound around the wound.



2) The farm was used to produce produce .



3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.



4) We must polish the Polish furniture.



5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.



6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.



7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present ..



8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.



9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.



10) I did not object to the object.



11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.



12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .



13) They were too close to the door to close it.



14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.



15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.



16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.



17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.



18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.



19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.



20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?



Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.



And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?



If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?



How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.



English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.



PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?





You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .



There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'



It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ?

Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?

We call UP our friends.

And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.

We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning.

People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.



We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary.

In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.

It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP .

When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP...

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.



One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so........it is time to ShutUP!