A heartwarming lawyer story ... Thx Marge R!

> One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men
>
> along the road-side eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to
>
> stop and got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating
>
> grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We
>
> have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and
>
> I'll feed you," the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two
>
> children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them
>
> along," the lawyer replied.
>
> Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
>
> The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a
>
> wife and six children with me!" "Bring them all as well," the lawyer
>
> answered.
>
> They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as
>
> large as the limousine. Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned
>
> to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all
>
> of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love
>
> my place. The grass is almost a foot high."
>

How do court reporters keep a straight face? ... Thx Nita E!

How do court reporters keep straight faces?

TOO FUNNY NOT TO PASS ON!!
How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

May God continue to keep watch over you. 

Karen

<*))))><      @}->-->---      ='.'= 

You will never leave where you are until you decide where you would rather be.

The lawyers' party Thanks Sarah Rapp!

Thanks Sarah Rapp! The lawyers' party



A LAWYER WITH A BRIEFCASE CAN STEAL

MORE THAN A THOUSAND MEN WITH GUNS.



The Lawyers' Party By

Bruce Walker





The Democratic Party has become the Lawyers

Party.



Barack Obama is a lawyer. Michelle Obama is a

lawyer.



Hillary Clinton is a lawyer. Bill Clinton is a

lawyer.



John Edwards is a lawyer. Elizabeth Edwards was a

lawyer.



Every Democrat nominee since 1984 went to law school

(although Gore did not graduate).



Every Democrat vice

presidential nominee since 1976, except for Lloyd Bentsen, went to law

school.



Look at leaders of the Democrat Party in

Congress:



Harry Reid is a lawyer. Nancy Pelosi is a

lawyer.





The Republican Party is different.



President

Bush is a businessman.



Vice President Cheney is a

businessman.



The leaders of the Republican

Revolution:



Newt Gingrich was a history professor.



Tom

Delay was an exterminator. Dick Armey was an economist.



House

Minority Leader Boehner was a plastic manufacturer.



The former

Senate Majority Leader Bill First is a heart surgeon.



Who was

the last Republican president who was a lawyer? Gerald Ford, who left

office 31 years ago and who barely won the Republican nomination as a

sitting president, running against Ronald Reagan in 1976.



The

Republican Party is made up of real people doing real work, who are

often the targets of lawyers.



The Democrat Party is made up of

lawyers. Democrats mock and scorn men who create wealth, like Bush and

Cheney, or who heal the sick, like Frist, or who immerse themselves in

history, like Gingrich. The Lawyers Party sees these sorts of people,

who provide goods and services that people want, as the enemies of

America .. And, so we have seen the procession of official enemies, in

the eyes of the Lawyers Party, grow.



Against whom do Hillary

and Obama rail?....Pharmaceutical companies, oil companies, hospitals,

manufacturers, fast food restaurant chains, large retail businesses,

bankers, and anyone producing anything of value in our nation. This is

the natural consequence of viewing everything through the eyes of

lawyers. Lawyers solve problems by successfully representing their

clients, in this case the American people. Lawyers seek to have new

laws passed, they seek to win lawsuits, they press appellate courts to

overturn precedent, and lawyers always parse language to favor their

side.



Confined to the narrow practice of law, that is fine. But

it is an awful way to govern a great nation. When politicians as

lawyers begin to view some Americans as clients and other Americans as

opposing parties, then the role of the legal system in our life

becomes all-consuming. Some Americans become adverse parties of our

very government. We are not all litigants in some vast social

class-action suit. We are citizens of a republic that promises us a

great deal of freedom from laws, from courts, and from

lawyers.



Today, we are drowning in laws; we are contorted by

judicial decisions; we are driven to distraction by omnipresent

lawyers in all parts of our once private lives. America has a place

for laws and lawyers, but that place is modest and reasonable, not

vast and unchecked. When the most important decision for our next

president is whom he will appoint to the Supreme Court, the role of

lawyers and the law in America is too big.



When House Democrats sue America in order to

hamstring our efforts to learn what our enemies are planning to do to

us, then the role of litigation in America has become

crushing.



Perhaps Americans will understand that change cannot

be brought to our nation by those lawyers who already largely dictate

American society and business. Perhaps Americans will see that hope

does not come from the mouths of lawyers but from personal dreams

nourished by hard work. Perhaps Americans will embrace the truth that

more lawyers with more power will only make our problems

worse.



The United States has 5% of the world’s population and

66% of the worlds lawyers! Tort (Legal) reform legislation has been

introduced in congress several times in the last several years to

limit punitive damages in ridiculous lawsuits such as spilling hot

coffee on yourself and suing the establishment that sold it to you and

also to limit punitive damages in huge medical malpractice lawsuits.

This legislation has continually been blocked from even being voted on

by the Democrat Party. When you see that 97% of the political

contributions from the American Trial Lawyers Association go to the

Democrat Party, then you realize who is responsible for our medical

and product costs being so high!



Please -- DO PASS THIS

ON!!!



IN GOD WE TRUST --- ONE NATION UNDER

GOD