Marriage Tech Advice . . . Thx Marge R!

 Humor: Marriage Tech Support

 

 

Subject: Fwd: Humor: Marriage Tech Support

The young woman who submitted the tech support message below (about her relationship to her husband) presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself. The tech support people's love advice was hilarious and genius!

 Dear Tech Support,

 Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry  applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: AFL 5.0, NRL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

 Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

 Signed, Desperate

 The response (that came weeks later out of the blue):

Dear Desperate, 

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

 However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta version. Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.

In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.  In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0.

 

Good Luck!

Just an observation ... thx T.J. D. and SaraH R!

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married - Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T. Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara, and of course Opie … all single.

The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

Just an observation.

I love you ... Thx Pidge F!

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked when was the last time you told your husband you loved him?” Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: 

 

"I love you,sweetheart." 

 

Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with another woman and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.

 

Below are hilarious 12 replies. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love....who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?

 

1. Who the hell is this?

 

2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?

 

3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?

 

4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?

 

5. I don't understand what you mean?

 

6. What the hell did you do now?

 

8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?

 

9. Am I dreaming?

 

10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

 

11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.

 

12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she? 

 

Kinda tugs at the heart, doesn't it?!

Gallop Poll - Marriage - Millennials less interested in marriage until later ... Google Search

Gallop Poll -  Marriage

Millennials less interested in marriage until later:

http://www.gallup.com/poll/117328/marriage.aspx

skegley.blogspot.com

Difference between complete and finished ... Thx Lyle S!

Subject: FW: English lesson

 

---

From: choonrim

 

 

 

Here's your English lesson for the day!

"Complete" or "Finished"?
 
No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the difference between "complete" and "finished." However, during a recent linguistic conference, held in London , England , and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was the presenter when he was asked to make that very distinction.
 
The question put to him by a colleague in the erudite audience was this: "Some say there is no difference between 'complete' an 'finished.' Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand."
 
Mr. Balgobin's response: "When you marry the right woman, you are 'complete.' If you marry the wrong woman, you are 'finished.' And, if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are 'completely finished.'"
 
His answer received a five minute standing ovation.."

 

Can you get married in Heaven ... Thx Cl;ay V!

> On
> their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is
> involved in a fatal car accident.
>
> The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates
> waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While
> waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get
> married in Heaven?
>
>
>
> When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
>
> St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first
> time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he
> leaves.
>
> The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and
> the couple are still waiting. As they waited, they discussed
> that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was
> the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't
> work?' they wondered, 'Are we stuck together
> forever?'
>
>
>
> After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking
> somewhat bedraggled.
>
> 'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get
> married in Heaven.'
>
> 'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just
> wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also
> get a divorce in Heaven?'
>
>
>
> St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto
> the ground.
>
> 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
>
> 'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me
> three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea
> how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?!'
>

Married parents and poverty percentages ... Thx Bob G!

Some interesting stats...

How to Fight Income Inequality: Get Married

In families headed by married couples, the poverty level in 2012 was just 7.5%. Those with a single mother: 33.9%.

By Ari Fleischer Jan. 12, 2014 6:07 p.m. ET

"Marriage inequality" should be at the center of any discussion of why some Americans prosper and others don't

 According to Census Bureau information analyzed by the Beverly LaHaye Institute, among families headed by two married parents in 2012, just 7.5% lived in poverty. By contrast, when families are headed by a single mother the poverty level jumps to 33.9%.

And the number of children raised in female-headed families is growing throughout America.

A 2012 study by the Heritage Foundation found that 28.6% of children born to a white mother were out of wedlock. For Hispanics, the figure was 52.5% and for African-Americans 72.3%. In 1964, when the war on poverty began, almost everyone was born in a family with two married parents: only 7% were not.

Corbis

Attitudes toward marriage and having children have changed in America over the past 50 years, and low-income children and their mothers are the ones who are paying the price.

The statistics make clear what common sense tells us:

Children who grow up in a home with married parents have an easier time becoming educated, wealthy and successful than children reared by one parent. As the Heritage study states:

"The U.S. is steadily separating into a two-caste system with marriage and education as the dividing line. In the high-income third of the population, children are raised by married parents with a college education; in the bottom-income third, children are raised by single parents with a high-school diploma or less."

One of the differences between the haves and the have-nots is that the haves tend to marry and give birth, in that order. The have-nots tend to have babies and remain unmarried. Marriage makes a difference. Heritage reports that among white married couples, the poverty rate in 2009 was just 3.2%; for white nonmarried families, the rate was 22%. Among black married couples, the poverty rate was only 7%, but the rate for non-married black families was 35.6%.

Marriage inequality is a substantial reason why income inequality exists. For children, the problem begins the day they are born, and no government can redistribute enough money to fix it. If redistributing money could solve the problem, the $20.7 trillion in 2011 dollars the government has spent on welfare programs since 1964—when President Johnson declared the "war on poverty"—would have eliminated income inequality a long time ago.

The matter is influenced strongly by decisions and values. The majority of women who have children outside of marriage today are adult women in their 20s. (Teenagers under 18 represent less than 8% of out-of-wedlock births.)

Rather than focusing on initiatives that might address this issue, President Obama, as well as Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren and New York City's new mayor, Bill de Blasio, believe that the income gap can be closed by increasing taxes on the better-off and transferring the money to the poor.

Good luck with that. The tax code is already extremely progressive, as a December study by the Congressional Budget Office makes clear, yet poverty remains a significant problem.

According to CBO, the top 40% of wage earners, those who make more than $51,100 a year, paid 86.4% of all federal taxes in 2010, the most recent data available. The bottom 40% of earners paid just 4.2% of all taxes. The top 40% paid virtually all of the income tax collected, while the bottom 40% paid a negative 9.1% of all income taxes. Paying "negative" taxes is possible because of the earned-income tax credit and other public-assistance measures that give the bottom 40% refunds for taxes they didn't pay.

Given how deep the problem of poverty is, taking even more money from one citizen and handing it to another will only diminish one while doing very little to help the other. A better and more compassionate policy to fight income inequality would be helping the poor realize that the most important decision they can make is to stay in school, get married and have children—in that order.

I love you Sweetheart! ... Thx Lou F!

I Love you relationship

Hello!
A group of women were at a seminar on "How to live in a loving relationship with your husband."
The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"
All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, some yesterday, some couldn't remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text theirhusband: "I love you, sweetheart."

The women were then told to exchange phones and to read aloud the text message responses.

Here are some of the replies:
1.   Who is this?
2.   Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?
3.   I love you too.
4.   What now?  Did you crash the car again?
5.   I don't understand what you mean?
6.   What did you do now?
7.   ?!?
8.   Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9.   Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.11. I thought we agreed we would not drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay, isn't she??

Marriage ... Thx Jim Ki PHS 51

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Redefining marriage ... Thx dr. H!

Just some of the inevitable consequences of redefining marriage...

   

"Next." "Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license." "Names?" "Tim and Jim Jones." "Jones?? Are you related?? I see a resemblance." "Yes, we're brothers." "Brothers?? You can't get married." "Why not?? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?" "Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's incest!" "Incest?" No, we are not gay." "Not gay?? Then why do you want to get married?" "For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other. Besides, we don't have any other prospects." "But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples who've been denied equal protection under the law. If you are not gay, you can get married to a woman." "Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have. But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a woman. I want to marry Jim." "And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to discriminate against us just because we are not gay?" "All right, all right. I'll give you your license. Next." "Hi. We are here to get married." Names?" "John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson." "Who wants to marry whom?" "We all want to marry each other." "But there are four of you!" "That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and me. All of us getting married together is the only way that we can express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship." "But we've only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples." "So you're discriminating against bisexuals!" "No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that it's just for couples." "Since when are you standing on tradition?" "Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere." "Who says?? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples. The more the better. Besides, we demand our rights! The mayor says the constitution guarantees equal protection under the law. Give us a marriage license!" "All right, all right. Next."

"Hello, I'd like a marriage license." "In what names?" "David Deets." "And the other man?" "That's all. I want to marry myself." "Marry yourself?? What do you mean?" "Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to marry the two together. Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return." "That does it!? I quit!!? You people are making a mockery of marriage!!"

How AdaM GOT EVE ... THANKS RON W!

How Adam Got Eve   This is sooo male chauvanistic, but funny, just the same!  Men!!!    Nothing like a good Bible story to make your day.                   How Adam Got Eve -- Priceless Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.   So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?'     Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.      God said that He was going to make Adam a companion    and that it would be a woman.        He said, 'This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,    and when you discover clothing, she will wash them for you     She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you,   and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you!   She will bear your children.      and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.        'She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and    passion whenever you need it.'      Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?'    God replied, 'An arm and a leg.'       Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for a rib?'       Of course the rest is history............!!!!        Send to all the men who need a good laugh and the women you think can handle it. .

The ex-wife ... Thanks Bob L.!

The Ex-wife
>
> Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
> One evening, after the honeymoon,
> he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.
>
> His wife was standing there at the bench watching him.
> After a long period of silence she finally speaks.
>
> Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think
> it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand loading, and fishing.
> Maybe you should sell your guns, boat & airplane.
>
> Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
>
> She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
>
> ”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”
>
> "Ex wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
>
> ”I wasn't “
>
>
>
> ****

sixty years marriage ... Thanks Marge R.!

---Original Message----- Tony and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they carefully watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on yet another holiday vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.' Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.' Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.. 'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Tony.. 'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.' Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch. 'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Tony. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.' Tony looked around and nervously asked Yvonne 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?' 'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!' 'No gym to work out at?' said Tony 'Not unless you want to,' was the answer. 'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...' 'Never again' Tony glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!' Have A Happy Life And Give someone A Smile.