Late retirement ... Thx Marge R!

An eighty-five-year-old couple, married for almost
sixty years, died in a car crash. They had been in good
health the last ten years, in spite of of her interest in health food and exercise.

When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them
to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful
kitchen and a master bath suite with a sauna and
Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked
Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free,"
Peter replied. "This is heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf
course that the home backed up to. They would have
golfing privileges every day, and each week the course
would change to new one that represented one of the
great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "What
are the green fees?" Peter's reply: "This is heaven;
you play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish
buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you
understand yet? This is heaven; it is free!" Peter
replied with some exasperation. 

"Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?"
the old man asked timidly. 

Peter lectured, "That's the best part: You can
eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you
never get fat and you never get sick. This is heaven."

With that, the old man threw down his hat, stomped
on it, and shrieked wildly. Peter and his wife both tried
to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The
old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your
fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I
could have been here ten years ago!"

Softball - Two 90 year old ball players ... thx Paul C!

  Ball Players

Two 90 year-old ball players. 
 

Two 90-year old guys, Leo and Frank, had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Leo was dying, Frank visited him every day.
One day Frank said' Leo, we both loved playing softball all our lives, and we played all through High School.
Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's softball there.'
  
Leo looked up at Frank from his deathbed and said, 'Frank you've been my best friend for many years.
If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.' 

Shortly after that, Leo passed on. 

A few nights later, Frank was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, Frank... Frank '
 
'Who is it?' asked Frank sitting up suddenly.  'Who is it?'
  
'Leo-- it's me, Leo.'
  
'You're not Leo, Leo just died.' 

'I'm telling you, it's me, Leo' insisted the voice.
 
'Leo!                Where are you?'
  
'In Heaven,' replied Leo. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'
 
'Tell me the good news first,' said Frank
 
'The good news,' Leo said, 'is that  there's softball in Heaven.  Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us
are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again.  Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows.
And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'
 
'That's fantastic,' said Frank 'It's beyond my wildest dreams!  So what's the bad news?'

'You're pitching Tuesday.' 

Senator's Choice ... Thanks Alma H!

While walking down the street one day a corrupt Senator (that may be redundant) was tragically hit by a car and died. 

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. 

"Welcome to heaven," says St.. Peter.. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.." 

"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator. 

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." 

"Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator. 

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." 

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. 

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. 

In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. 

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. 

They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest wines and champagne. 

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes. 

They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go. 

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises. 

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...” 

So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. 

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity." 

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell." 

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell... 

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. 

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground. 

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders. 

"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?" 

The devil smiles at him and says, 
"Yesterday we were campaigning, 

Today, you voted.."

Vote wisely in November

Heaven could end up a ghost town, but not to believers in Christ ... Thx Nita E! Tjhose are good people to share it with!

Heaven could end up a ghost town

Heaven could end up a ghost town. 

With what is going on in the world these days Heaven could end up a ghost town. My name is God. You hardly have time for me. I love you and will always bless you. I am always with you. I need you to spend 30 secs. of your time with Me today . Don't pray, just praise. Today , I want this message to go across the world before midnight . 
Will you help? Please do not delete it and I'll help you with something that you are in need of. Just dare Me! A blessing is coming your way. Please drop everything & pass it on. When one door closes, God opens two. If God has opened doors for you, send this message to everyone... Forward if God's been good to you!
God has been very good to me.

This is profound, wonderful friend, Ramey H!

An old cowboy was riding his trusty horse followed by his faithful dog along an unfamiliar road. The cowboy was enjoying the new scenery, when he suddenly remembered dying, and realized the dog beside him had been dead for years, as had his horse. Confused, he wondered what was happening, and where the trail was leading them.

 

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall that looked like fine marble.

At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch topped by a golden letter "H" that glowed in the sunlight.
 

Standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like gold.

 

He rode toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. Parched and tired out by his journey, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?'

 

'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered.

 

'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.

 

'Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up.'

 

As the gate began to open, the cowboy asked, 'Can I bring my partners, too?'

 

'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'

 

The cowboy thought for a moment, then turned back to the road and continued riding, his dog trotting by his side.

 

After another long ride, at the top of another hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a ranch gate that looked as if it had never been closed. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

 

'Excuse me,' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'

 

'Sure, there's a pump right over there. Help yourself.'

 

'How about my friends here?' the traveler gestured to the dog and his horse.

 

'Of course! They look thirsty, too,' said the man.

 

The trio went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with buckets beside it. The traveler filled a cup and the buckets with wonderfully cool water and took a long drink, as did his horse and dog.

 

When they were full, he walked back to the man who was still standing by the tree. 'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked.

 

'This is Heaven,' he answered.

 

'That's confusing,' the traveler said. 'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.'

 

'Oh, you mean the place with the glitzy, gold street and fake pearly gates? That's hell.'

 

'Doesn't it make you angry when they use your name like that?'

 

'Not at all. Actually, we're happy they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.'

 

---

---

Sometimes, we wonder why friends forward things to us without writing a word. Maybe this explains it:

 

When you're busy, but still want to keep in touch, you can forward emails. When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep in contact, you can forward jokes. When you have something to say, but don't know exactly how, you can forward stuff.

 

A 'forward' lets you know you're still remembered, still important, still cared about.

 

So the next time you get a 'forward,' don't think of it as just another joke. Realize you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end just wanted to send you a smile.

 

 

P.S. : You're welcome at my watering hole anytime

Heaven and Hell ... Thx Pidge F!

HEAVEN AND HELL HEAVEN AND HELL   While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator was tragically hit by a car and died.His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance."Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom  see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."  "No problem, just let me in," says the Senator..   "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.""Really?I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.  "I'm sorry, but we have our rules."  And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.   They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.  Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.   They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.  Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven.."    So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."  The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."   So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell...Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.   The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders."I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"   The devil smiles at him and says,   "Yesterday we were campaigning...  Today, you voted.."      Vote wisely November 2014!!                                                   ____________________________________________________________ Fast, Secure, NetZero 4G Mobile Broadband. Try it. No virus found in this message. Checked by AVG - www.avg.com Version: 2015.0.5315 / Virus Database: 4181/8421 - Release Date: 10/20/14 Click here to Reply or Forward 4.53 GB (30%) of 15 GB used Manage ©2014 Google - Terms & Privacy Last account activity: 0 minutes ago Details

What happens in Heaven when we pray ... Thx Nita E!

WHAT HAPPENS IN HEAVEN WHEN WE PRAY?  This is one of the nicest e-mails I have seen and is so true: I dreamt that I went to Heaven and an angel was showing me around. We walked side-by-side inside a large workroom filled with angels. My angel guide stopped in front of the first section and said, ' This is the Receiving Section. Here, all petitions to God said in prayer are received.   I looked around in this area, and it was terribly busy with so many angels sorting out petitions written on voluminous paper sheets and scraps from people all over the world.   Then we moved on down a long corridor until we reached the second section.   The angel then said to me, "This is the Packaging and Delivery Section. Here, the graces and blessings the people asked for are processed and delivered to the living persons who asked for them." I noticed again how busy it was there. There were many angels working hard at that station, since so many blessings had been requested and were being packaged for delivery to Earth.   Finally at the farthest end of the long corridor we stopped at the door of a very small station. To my great surprise, only one angel was seated there, idly doing nothing. "This is the Acknowledgment Section, my angel friend quietly admitted to me. He seemed embarrassed."  How is it that there is no work going on here? ' I asked.   "So sad," the angel sighed.  "After people receive the blessings that they asked for, very few send back acknowledgments"   "How does one acknowledge God's blessings? " I asked..   "Simple," the angel answered. Just say, "Thank you, Lord. "  "What blessings should they acknowledge?"  I asked.   "If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% of this world. If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish, you are among the top 8% of the world ' s wealthy. "   "And if you get this on your own computer, you are part of the 1% in the world who has that opportunity."   "If you woke up this morning with more health than illness .. You are more blessed than the many who will not even survive this day. "   "If you have never experienced the fear in battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation ... You are ahead of 700 million people in the world."  "If you can attend a church without the fear of harassment, arrest, torture or death you are envied by, and more blessed than, three billion people in the world." "If your parents are still alive and still married ...you are very rare."   "If you can hold your head up and smile, you are not the norm, you're unique to all those in doubt and despair......." Ok, what now? How can I start?   If you can read this message, you just received a double blessing in that someone was thinking of you as very special and you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world who cannot read at all.   Have a good day, count your blessings, and if you care to, pass this along to remind everyone else how blessed we all are   ATTN:  Acknowledge Dept.   "Thank you Lord, for giving me the ability to share this message and for giving me so many wonderful people with whom to share it. "   If you have read this far, and are thankful for all that you have been blessed with, how can you not send it on ??? ? I thank God for everything, especially all my family and friends.

=

Can you get married in Heaven ... Thx Cl;ay V!

> On
> their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is
> involved in a fatal car accident.
>
> The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates
> waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While
> waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get
> married in Heaven?
>
>
>
> When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
>
> St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first
> time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he
> leaves.
>
> The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and
> the couple are still waiting. As they waited, they discussed
> that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was
> the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't
> work?' they wondered, 'Are we stuck together
> forever?'
>
>
>
> After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking
> somewhat bedraggled.
>
> 'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get
> married in Heaven.'
>
> 'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just
> wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also
> get a divorce in Heaven?'
>
>
>
> St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto
> the ground.
>
> 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
>
> 'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me
> three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea
> how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?!'
>

What happens in Heaven when we pray ... Thx Marge R!

Recycled and received as needed ... Thx Marge R ... Nanarina sends good ones!

WHAT HAPPENS IN HEAVEN WHEN WE PRAY? 

This is one of the nicest e-mails I have seen :
I dreamt that I went to Heaven and an angel was showing me around. We walked side-by-side inside a large workroom filled with angels. My angel guide stopped in front of the first section and said, 'This is the Receiving Section. Here, all petitions to God said in prayer are received.

I looked around in this area, and it was terribly busy with so many angels sorting out petitions written on voluminous paper sheets and scraps from people all over the world.

Then we moved on down a long corridor until we reached the second section.

The angel then said to me, "This is the Packaging and Delivery Section. Here, the graces and blessings the people asked for are processed and delivered to the living persons who asked for them." I noticed again how busy it was there. There were many angels working hard at that station, since so many blessings had been requested and were being packaged for delivery to Earth.

Finally at the farthest end of the long corridor we stopped at the door of a very small station. To my great surprise, only one angel was seated there, idly doing nothing. "This is the Acknowledgment Section, my angel friend quietly admitted to me. He seemed embarrassed. "How is it that there is no work going on here? I asked."

"So sad," the angel sighed. "After people receive the blessings that they asked for, very few send back acknowledgments."

"How does one acknowledge God's blessings? "I asked.

"Simple," the angel answered. Just say, "Thank you, Lord."

"What blessings should they acknowledge?" I asked.

"If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% of this world.
If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish, you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy, and if you get this on your own computer, you are part of the 1% in the world who has that opportunity."

"If you woke up this morning with more health than illness.. You are more blessed than the many who will not even survive this day."

"If you have never experienced the fear in battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation... You are ahead of 700 million people in the world."

"If you can attend a church without the fear of harassment, arrest, torture or death you are envied by, and more blessed than, three billion people in the world."

"If your parents are still alive and still married.... you are very rare."

"If you can hold your head up and smile, you are not the norm, you're unique to all those in doubt and despair......."

"Ok," I said. "What now? How can I start?"

The Angel said, "If you can read this message, you just received a double blessing in that someone was thinking of you as very special and you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world who cannot read at all."

Have a good day, count your blessings, and if you care to, pass this along to remind everyone else how blessed we all are..........

ATTN: Acknowledge Dept.
"Thank you Lord, for giving me the ability to share this message and for giving me so many wonderful people with whom to share."

If you have read this far, and are thankful for all that you have been blessed with, how can you not send it?
I thank God for everything, especially for all of my family and friends.

About heaven ... Thanks Sarah! Young Jay sent this in 1998

Bob Hope in Heaven ... thanks Marge R.!

Fwd: BOB HOPE IN HEAVEN! this really is great and funny too

Inbox

x

 

 

Subj: BOB HOPE IN HEAVEN!

 

This is so very special!!

-----Original Message-----

 

BOB HOPE IN HEAVEN
For those of you too young to remember Bob Hope, ask your Grandparents.And thanks for the memories. WHAT A WONDERFUL E-MAIL.


I HOPE THIS WILL PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART.

Tribute to a man who DID make a difference.


ON TURNING 70'I still chase women, but only downhill'.
ON TURNING 80'That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.'
ON TURNING 90'You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.'
ON TURNING 100'I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel
anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.'
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING'I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.'
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR'Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'.
ON GOLF'Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.'
ON PRESIDENTS'I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.'
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HISCAREER'When I was born, the doctor said to my mother,Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham.
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL'I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.'
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY'Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.'
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS'That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.'
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES'I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the
stuff the audience threw at me.'
ON GOING TO HEAVEN'I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.'


Give me a sense of humor;Lord, give me the grace to see a joke,
to get some humor out of life,and to the person receiving this
the grace to pass it on to others.