Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one
guy looks at the other and says, "I can`t help but think, from
listening to you, that you`re from Ireland. The other guy responds
proudly, "Yes, that I am!"
The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you
be?" The other guy answers, "I`m from Dublin, I am." The first guy
responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live
on in Dublin?" The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I
lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town." The first
guy says, "Faith & it`s a small world, so did I!
And to what school would you have been going?" The other guy answers,
"Well now, I went to St. Mary`s of course." The first guy gets really
excited, and says, "And so did I.
Tell me, what year did you graduate?" The other guy answers, "Well,
now, I graduated in 1964." The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must
be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding
up in the same bar on this very night. Can you believe it, I graduated
from St. Mary`s in 1964 my own self."
About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and
orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head and mutters,
"It`s going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk
again."
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Heaven and bran muffins... Thanks to a good friend!
Subject: FW: Heaven...and bran muffins...
This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a
car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to
her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly
gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a
beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.
As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was
going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven." Next they
went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed
up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the
course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.
The old man asked, "what are the green fees?". Peter's reply, "This is
heaven, you play for free." Next they went to the club house and saw the
lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is
heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are
the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter
lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of
whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is
Heaven."
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and
stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm
him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and
said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your bran muffins, I could
have been here ten years ago!"
This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a
car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to
her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly
gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a
beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.
As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was
going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven." Next they
went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed
up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the
course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.
The old man asked, "what are the green fees?". Peter's reply, "This is
heaven, you play for free." Next they went to the club house and saw the
lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is
heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are
the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter
lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of
whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is
Heaven."
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and
stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm
him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and
said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your bran muffins, I could
have been here ten years ago!"
An ode to English plurals- Thanks John Bob Looney!
Subj: Joke; An Ode to English Plurals
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England .
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and
get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
in which your house can burn up as it burns down,
in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and
in which an alarm goes off by going on.
And in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England .
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and
get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
in which your house can burn up as it burns down,
in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and
in which an alarm goes off by going on.
And in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Ugly fight brewing... Sam Kegley
I foresee an ugly political fight brewing between the conservatives and the liberals. Unfortunately, o is taking the side of the unions and the blacks vs the conservatives and the whites and there will be many demonstrations with some violence. Teachers and government employees will side with the libs. Families will split. It is nearing a civil war in my opinion. He is making wrong look right.
Our debt is far too high. o enacted the stimulous which is the same as taking money from the USA and he has apparently got it by without any thought of him stealing the USA's money. Is there no smart accountant to trace the funds? What strong powers he has assumed as just one opposed to our constitutional government. He has been pro muslim and anti-Christian in every encounter.
I am on the side of the Tea Party people and it is necessary to get this country back on the right trail.
Sam
Our debt is far too high. o enacted the stimulous which is the same as taking money from the USA and he has apparently got it by without any thought of him stealing the USA's money. Is there no smart accountant to trace the funds? What strong powers he has assumed as just one opposed to our constitutional government. He has been pro muslim and anti-Christian in every encounter.
I am on the side of the Tea Party people and it is necessary to get this country back on the right trail.
Sam
Doctor's results- Thanks John & Yvette!
A doctor from Israel says: "In Israel the medicine is so advanced
that we cut off a man's testicles; we put them into another man,
and in 6 weeks he is looking for work." "
The German doctor comments: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person's head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work . .
A Russian doctor says: "That's nothing either. In Russia we take out
half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person's
chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work" "
The U.S. doctor answers immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues,
you are way behind us....in the USA (about 2 years ago) we grabbed a
person From Kenya with no brains, no heart, and no balls....we made
him President of the United States, and now....... the whole country
is looking for work !!!!!!"
John & Yvette Massey
that we cut off a man's testicles; we put them into another man,
and in 6 weeks he is looking for work." "
The German doctor comments: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person's head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work . .
A Russian doctor says: "That's nothing either. In Russia we take out
half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person's
chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work" "
The U.S. doctor answers immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues,
you are way behind us....in the USA (about 2 years ago) we grabbed a
person From Kenya with no brains, no heart, and no balls....we made
him President of the United States, and now....... the whole country
is looking for work !!!!!!"
John & Yvette Massey
Lee Iacocca at 85- Thanks Alma Holl!
He is still a straight talker. Would that he was twenty years younger.
Subject: Lee is Back!!!!I say Amen !!! Where are all the Americans>?????
EGYPT WOKE UP WHY HAVEN'T WE?
Friends, would you believe that Lee Iacocca is 82 years old and is still kickin� butt? Check out his latest rant.
Just as true today as it was when his book first came out.
He was, and still is, a brilliant businessman!
Often we need to be reminded of Iacocca's words.
Remember Lee Iacocca, the man who rescued Chrysler Corporation from its death throes? He's now 82 years old and has a new book, 'Where Have All The Leaders Gone?'.
Lee Iacocca Says:
'Am I the only guy in this country who's fed up with what's happening? Where the hell is our outrage with this so called president? We should be screaming bloody murder! We've got a gang of tax cheating clueless leftists trying to steer our ship of state right over a cliff, we've got corporate gangsters stealing us blind, and we can't even run a ridiculous cash-for-clunkers program without losing $26 billion of the taxpayers' money, much less build a hybrid car. But instead of getting mad, everyone sits around and nods their heads when the politicians say, 'trust me, the economy is getting better..' Better? You've got to be kidding. This is America , not the damned 'Titanic'. I'll give you a sound bite: 'Throw all the Democrats out, along with Obama!'
You might think I'm getting senile, that I've gone off my rocker, and maybe I have. But someone has to speak up. I hardly recognize this country anymore..
The most famous business leaders are not the innovators but the guys in handcuffs.. While we're fiddling in Afghanistan , Iran is completing their nuclear bombs and missiles and nobody seems to know what to do. And the liberal press is waving 'pom-poms' instead of asking hard questions. That's not the promise of the ' America ' my parents and yours traveled across the ocean for. I've had enough. How about you?
I'll go a step further. You can't call yourself a patriot if you're not outraged. This is a fight I'm ready and willing to have. The Biggest 'C' is Crisis! (Iacocca elaborates on nine C's of leadership, with crisis being the first.)
Leaders are made, not born. Leadership is forged in times of crisis. It's easy to sit there with thumb up your ass and talk theory. Or send someone else's kids off to war when you've never seen a battlefield yourself. It's another thing to lead when your world comes tumbling down.
On September 11, 2001, we needed a strong leader more than any other time in our history. We needed a steady hand to guide us out of the ashes. A hell of a mess, so here's where we stand.
We're immersed in a bloody war now with no plan for winning and no plan for leaving.. But our soldiers are dying daily.
We're running the biggest deficit in the history of the world, and it's getting worse every day!
We've lost the manufacturing edge to Asia , while our once-great companies are getting slaughtered by health care costs.
Gas prices are going to skyrock again, and nobody in power has a lucid plan to open drilling to solve the problem. This country has the largest oil reserves in the WORLD, and we cannot drill for it because the politicians have been bought by the flea-hugging environmentalists.
Our schools are in a complete disaster because of the teachers' union.
Our borders are like sieves and they want to give all illegal's amnesty and free healthcare.
The middle class is being squeezed to death every day.
These are times that cry out for leadership.
But when you look around, you've got to ask: 'Where have all the leaders gone?' Where are the curious, creative communicators? Where are the people of character, courage, conviction, omnipotence, and common sense? I may be a sucker for alliteration, but I think you get the point..
Name me a leader who has a better idea for homeland security than making us take off our shoes in airports and throw away our shampoo?
We've spent billions of dollars building a huge new bureaucracy, and all we know how to do is react to things that have already happened.
Everyone's hunkering down, fingers crossed, hoping the government will make it better for them. Now, that's just crazy. Deal with life.
Name me an industry leader who is thinking creatively about how we can restore our competitive edge in manufacturing. Who would have believed that there could ever be a time when 'The Big Three' referred to Japanese car companies? How did this happen, and more important, look what Obama did about it!
Name me a government leader who can articulate a plan for paying down the debt, or solving theenergy crisis, or managing the health care problem. The silence is deafening. But these are the crises that are eating away at our country and milking the middle class dry.
I have news for the Chicago gangsters in Congress. We didn't elect you to turn this country into a losing European Socialist state. What is everybody so afraid of? That some bonehead on NBC orCNN news will call them a name? Give me a break. Why don't you guys show some spine for a change?
Had Enough? Hey, I'm not trying to be the voice of gloom and doom here. I'm trying to light a fire. I'm speaking out because I have hope - I believe in America .. In my lifetime, I've had the privilege of living through some of America 's greatest moments. I've also experienced some of our worst crises: The 'Great Depression,' 'World War II,' the 'Korean War,' the 'Kennedy Assassination,' the 'Vietnam War,' the 1970's oil crisis, and the struggles of recent years since 9/11.
Make your own contribution by sending this to everyone you know and care about. It's our country, folks, and it's our future. Our future is at stake!!
Subject: Lee is Back!!!!I say Amen !!! Where are all the Americans>?????
EGYPT WOKE UP WHY HAVEN'T WE?
Friends, would you believe that Lee Iacocca is 82 years old and is still kickin� butt? Check out his latest rant.
Just as true today as it was when his book first came out.
He was, and still is, a brilliant businessman!
Often we need to be reminded of Iacocca's words.
Remember Lee Iacocca, the man who rescued Chrysler Corporation from its death throes? He's now 82 years old and has a new book, 'Where Have All The Leaders Gone?'.
Lee Iacocca Says:
'Am I the only guy in this country who's fed up with what's happening? Where the hell is our outrage with this so called president? We should be screaming bloody murder! We've got a gang of tax cheating clueless leftists trying to steer our ship of state right over a cliff, we've got corporate gangsters stealing us blind, and we can't even run a ridiculous cash-for-clunkers program without losing $26 billion of the taxpayers' money, much less build a hybrid car. But instead of getting mad, everyone sits around and nods their heads when the politicians say, 'trust me, the economy is getting better..' Better? You've got to be kidding. This is America , not the damned 'Titanic'. I'll give you a sound bite: 'Throw all the Democrats out, along with Obama!'
You might think I'm getting senile, that I've gone off my rocker, and maybe I have. But someone has to speak up. I hardly recognize this country anymore..
The most famous business leaders are not the innovators but the guys in handcuffs.. While we're fiddling in Afghanistan , Iran is completing their nuclear bombs and missiles and nobody seems to know what to do. And the liberal press is waving 'pom-poms' instead of asking hard questions. That's not the promise of the ' America ' my parents and yours traveled across the ocean for. I've had enough. How about you?
I'll go a step further. You can't call yourself a patriot if you're not outraged. This is a fight I'm ready and willing to have. The Biggest 'C' is Crisis! (Iacocca elaborates on nine C's of leadership, with crisis being the first.)
Leaders are made, not born. Leadership is forged in times of crisis. It's easy to sit there with thumb up your ass and talk theory. Or send someone else's kids off to war when you've never seen a battlefield yourself. It's another thing to lead when your world comes tumbling down.
On September 11, 2001, we needed a strong leader more than any other time in our history. We needed a steady hand to guide us out of the ashes. A hell of a mess, so here's where we stand.
We're immersed in a bloody war now with no plan for winning and no plan for leaving.. But our soldiers are dying daily.
We're running the biggest deficit in the history of the world, and it's getting worse every day!
We've lost the manufacturing edge to Asia , while our once-great companies are getting slaughtered by health care costs.
Gas prices are going to skyrock again, and nobody in power has a lucid plan to open drilling to solve the problem. This country has the largest oil reserves in the WORLD, and we cannot drill for it because the politicians have been bought by the flea-hugging environmentalists.
Our schools are in a complete disaster because of the teachers' union.
Our borders are like sieves and they want to give all illegal's amnesty and free healthcare.
The middle class is being squeezed to death every day.
These are times that cry out for leadership.
But when you look around, you've got to ask: 'Where have all the leaders gone?' Where are the curious, creative communicators? Where are the people of character, courage, conviction, omnipotence, and common sense? I may be a sucker for alliteration, but I think you get the point..
Name me a leader who has a better idea for homeland security than making us take off our shoes in airports and throw away our shampoo?
We've spent billions of dollars building a huge new bureaucracy, and all we know how to do is react to things that have already happened.
Everyone's hunkering down, fingers crossed, hoping the government will make it better for them. Now, that's just crazy. Deal with life.
Name me an industry leader who is thinking creatively about how we can restore our competitive edge in manufacturing. Who would have believed that there could ever be a time when 'The Big Three' referred to Japanese car companies? How did this happen, and more important, look what Obama did about it!
Name me a government leader who can articulate a plan for paying down the debt, or solving theenergy crisis, or managing the health care problem. The silence is deafening. But these are the crises that are eating away at our country and milking the middle class dry.
I have news for the Chicago gangsters in Congress. We didn't elect you to turn this country into a losing European Socialist state. What is everybody so afraid of? That some bonehead on NBC orCNN news will call them a name? Give me a break. Why don't you guys show some spine for a change?
Had Enough? Hey, I'm not trying to be the voice of gloom and doom here. I'm trying to light a fire. I'm speaking out because I have hope - I believe in America .. In my lifetime, I've had the privilege of living through some of America 's greatest moments. I've also experienced some of our worst crises: The 'Great Depression,' 'World War II,' the 'Korean War,' the 'Kennedy Assassination,' the 'Vietnam War,' the 1970's oil crisis, and the struggles of recent years since 9/11.
Make your own contribution by sending this to everyone you know and care about. It's our country, folks, and it's our future. Our future is at stake!!
The Green Thing... Thanks Clay Vice!
THE GREEN THING
In the line at the store, the cashier told the older woman that she should bring her own grocery bag because plastic bags weren't good for the environment. The woman apologized to him and explained, "We didn't have the 'green thing' back in my day."
The clerk responded, "That's our problem today. The former generation did not care enough to save our environment."
He was right, that generation didn't have the green thing in its day.
Back then, they returned their milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.
But they didn't have the green thing back in that customer's day.
In her day, they walked up stairs, because they didn't have an escalator
in every store and office building. They walked to the grocery store and
didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time they had to go two
blocks.
But she was right. They didn't have the green thing in her day.
Back then, they washed the baby's diapers because they didn't have the
throw-away kind. They dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling
machine burning up 220 volts - wind and solar power really did dry the clothes.
Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always
brand-new clothing.
But that old lady is right, they didn't have the green thing back in her
day.
Back then, they had one TV, or radio, in the house - not a TV in every
room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief, not a screen
the size of the state of Montana . In the kitchen, they blended and stirred
by hand because they didn't have electric machines to do everything for you.
When they packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, they used a wadded
upold newspaper to cushion it, not styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.
Back then, they didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the
lawn. They used a push mower that ran on human power. They exercised by
working so they didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that
operate on electricity.
But she's right, they didn't have the green thing back then.
They drank from a fountain when they were thirsty instead of using a cup
or a plastic bottle every time they had a drink of water. They refilled
their writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and they replaced the
razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just
because the blade got dull.
But they didn't have the green thing back then.
Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to
school or rode the school bus instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour
taxi service. They had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank
of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And they didn't need a
computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in
space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.
But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful the old folks
were just because they didn't have the green thing back then?
In the line at the store, the cashier told the older woman that she should bring her own grocery bag because plastic bags weren't good for the environment. The woman apologized to him and explained, "We didn't have the 'green thing' back in my day."
The clerk responded, "That's our problem today. The former generation did not care enough to save our environment."
He was right, that generation didn't have the green thing in its day.
Back then, they returned their milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.
But they didn't have the green thing back in that customer's day.
In her day, they walked up stairs, because they didn't have an escalator
in every store and office building. They walked to the grocery store and
didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time they had to go two
blocks.
But she was right. They didn't have the green thing in her day.
Back then, they washed the baby's diapers because they didn't have the
throw-away kind. They dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling
machine burning up 220 volts - wind and solar power really did dry the clothes.
Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always
brand-new clothing.
But that old lady is right, they didn't have the green thing back in her
day.
Back then, they had one TV, or radio, in the house - not a TV in every
room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief, not a screen
the size of the state of Montana . In the kitchen, they blended and stirred
by hand because they didn't have electric machines to do everything for you.
When they packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, they used a wadded
upold newspaper to cushion it, not styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.
Back then, they didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the
lawn. They used a push mower that ran on human power. They exercised by
working so they didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that
operate on electricity.
But she's right, they didn't have the green thing back then.
They drank from a fountain when they were thirsty instead of using a cup
or a plastic bottle every time they had a drink of water. They refilled
their writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and they replaced the
razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just
because the blade got dull.
But they didn't have the green thing back then.
Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to
school or rode the school bus instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour
taxi service. They had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank
of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And they didn't need a
computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in
space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.
But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful the old folks
were just because they didn't have the green thing back then?
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