________________
Father O'Mally has been preaching at his church in
Ireland for so long, that he decides to take a vacation.
He has never been married and he is curious as to what an
American endures in everyday life. So, he decides to go to
the States before it is too late. He hops on the plane bound
for Nevada. He arrives in the Airport in Las Vegas.
As he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up
to him and exclaims, "Elvis! Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew
you weren't dead Elvis! How have you been?"
Father looks at her and says, "Get outta me face. Can't you
see I'm not Elvis? I don't look a thing like Elvis."
The father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He hops in
his cab and he's a little upset so he tells the cabby,
"Take me to my hotel and step on it."
The cabby turns and says, "Sure thing sir - Oh my God! It's
Elvis! I knew you weren't dead! I'm your number one fan!
It's so great to see you!"
"Shut up, you imbecile. I'm not Elvis! Now turn around and
drive!" So the cabby speeds up to the hotel. Father O'Malley
gets his things and walks up to the hotel check-in counter.
"Oh my God! Oh my God! It's you!" screams the hotel clerk.
"You're back Elvis! I knew this day would happen. We saved
everything just the way you like it! Free cheeseburgers,
peanut butter and fried banana sandwiches, masseurs,
complementary hookers and a full liquor bar!
I'm so glad you're back!"
Father O'Malley looks at the hotel clerk and says,
"Thank you.. Thank you very much!"
Thursday, June 9, 2011
The mechanic makes more than $39,000 today and the Cardiologist is rarely the surgeon. This is, nonetheless, a good story, although the heart is isolated on a by-pass machine while the critical heart operation proceeds. I have had two four-by-pass operations with great admiration for the heart mechanics!
A good vehicle mechanic will just not get equivalent pay.
A MECHANIC WAS REMOVING A CYLINDER HEAD FROM THE ENGINE OF A HARLEY
MOTORCYCLE WHEN HE SPOTTED A WELL KNOWN CARDIOLIGIST IN HIS SHOP.
THE CARDIOLOGIST WAS THERE WAITING FOR THE SERVICE MANAGER TO COME
AND TAKE A LOOK AT HIS BIKE WHEN THE MECHANIC SHOUTED ACROSS THE
GARAGE, "HEY DOC, WANT TO TAKE A LOOK AT THIS?"
THE CARDIOLOGIST, A BIT SURPRISED, WALKED OVER TO WHERE THE MECHANIC WAS
WORKING ON THE MOTORCYCLE, THE MNECHANIC STRAIGHTED UP, WIPED HIS HANDS
ON A RAG AND ASKED, "SO DOC, LOOK AT THIS ENGINE. I OPEN ITS HEART, TAKE THE
VALVES OUT, REPAIR ANY DAMAGE, AND THEN PUT THEM BACK IN, AND WHEN I FINISH,
IT WORKS JUST LIKE NEW. SO HOW COME I MAKE $39,000 A YEAR AND YOU GET
$800,000, WHEN YOU AND I ARE DOING BASICALLY THE SAME WORK?"
THE CARDIOLOGIST PAUSED, SMILED AND LEANED OVER , THEN WHISPERED TO THE
MECHANIC............."TRY DOING IT WITH THE ENGINE RUNNING."
A good vehicle mechanic will just not get equivalent pay.
A MECHANIC WAS REMOVING A CYLINDER HEAD FROM THE ENGINE OF A HARLEY
MOTORCYCLE WHEN HE SPOTTED A WELL KNOWN CARDIOLIGIST IN HIS SHOP.
THE CARDIOLOGIST WAS THERE WAITING FOR THE SERVICE MANAGER TO COME
AND TAKE A LOOK AT HIS BIKE WHEN THE MECHANIC SHOUTED ACROSS THE
GARAGE, "HEY DOC, WANT TO TAKE A LOOK AT THIS?"
THE CARDIOLOGIST, A BIT SURPRISED, WALKED OVER TO WHERE THE MECHANIC WAS
WORKING ON THE MOTORCYCLE, THE MNECHANIC STRAIGHTED UP, WIPED HIS HANDS
ON A RAG AND ASKED, "SO DOC, LOOK AT THIS ENGINE. I OPEN ITS HEART, TAKE THE
VALVES OUT, REPAIR ANY DAMAGE, AND THEN PUT THEM BACK IN, AND WHEN I FINISH,
IT WORKS JUST LIKE NEW. SO HOW COME I MAKE $39,000 A YEAR AND YOU GET
$800,000, WHEN YOU AND I ARE DOING BASICALLY THE SAME WORK?"
THE CARDIOLOGIST PAUSED, SMILED AND LEANED OVER , THEN WHISPERED TO THE
MECHANIC............."TRY DOING IT WITH THE ENGINE RUNNING."
Warm and fuzzy rereun from friend Bob Looney!
Sent: Wed, Jun 8, 2011 10:19 pm
Subject: Re: Marital Bliss
Bill and his wife Blanche went to the state fair every year,
And every year Bill would say,
" Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "
Blanche always replied,
" I know, Bill, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,
and fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "
One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said,
" Blanche, I'm 85 years old.
If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance "
To this, Blanche replied,
" Bill that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks "
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
" Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!
But if you say one word it's fifty dollars. "
Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks,
but still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said,
" By golly , I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.
I'm impressed! "
Bill replied,
" Well, to tell you the truth
I almost said something when Blanche fell out,
but you know,
Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "
Subject: Re: Marital Bliss
Bill and his wife Blanche went to the state fair every year,
And every year Bill would say,
" Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "
Blanche always replied,
" I know, Bill, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,
and fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "
One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said,
" Blanche, I'm 85 years old.
If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance "
To this, Blanche replied,
" Bill that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks "
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
" Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!
But if you say one word it's fifty dollars. "
Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks,
but still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said,
" By golly , I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.
I'm impressed! "
Bill replied,
" Well, to tell you the truth
I almost said something when Blanche fell out,
but you know,
Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "
Grandma's apron... Thanks Pat Whitehead!
Sent: Tue, June 7, 2011 11:41:45 PM
Subject: FW: Grandma's Aprons
Love it!! This one is great!!
Notice that a "Medium" is a size 14 - 16
Remember making an apron in Home Ec? Read below:
The History of 'APRONS'
I don't think our kids
know what an apron is.
The principal use of Grandma's apron was to protect the dress underneath because she only had a few. It was also because it was easier to wash aprons than dresses and aprons used less material. But along with that, it served as a potholder for removing
hot pans from the oven.
It was wonderful for drying children's tears, and on occasion was even used for cleaning out dirty ears.
From the chicken coop, the apron was used for carrying eggs, fussy chicks, and sometimes half-hatched eggs to be finished in the warming oven.
When company came, those aprons were ideal hiding places for shy kids..
And when the weather was cold Grandma wrapped it around her arms.
Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring brow,
bent over the hot wood stove.
Chips and kindling wood were brought into the kitchen in that apron.
From the garden, it carried all sorts of vegetables.
After the peas had been shelled, it carried out the hulls.
In the autumn, the apron was used to bring in apples that had fallen from the trees.
When unexpected company drove up the road, it was surprising how much furniture that old apron could dust in a matter of seconds.
When dinner was ready, Grandma walked out onto the porch, waved her apron, and the men folk knew it was time to come in from the fields to dinner.
It will be a long time before someone invents something that will replace that 'old-time apron' that served so many purposes.
Send this to those who would know (and love) the story about Grandma's aprons.
REMEMBER:
Grandma used to set her hot baked apple pies on the window sill to cool. Her granddaughters set theirs on the window sill
to thaw.
They would go crazy now trying to figure out how many germs were on that apron.
I don't think I ever caught anything from an apron - but love...
When the power of love overcomes the love of power, there will be peace!!!!!!!!
Subject: FW: Grandma's Aprons
Love it!! This one is great!!
Notice that a "Medium" is a size 14 - 16
Remember making an apron in Home Ec? Read below:
The History of 'APRONS'
I don't think our kids
know what an apron is.
The principal use of Grandma's apron was to protect the dress underneath because she only had a few. It was also because it was easier to wash aprons than dresses and aprons used less material. But along with that, it served as a potholder for removing
hot pans from the oven.
It was wonderful for drying children's tears, and on occasion was even used for cleaning out dirty ears.
From the chicken coop, the apron was used for carrying eggs, fussy chicks, and sometimes half-hatched eggs to be finished in the warming oven.
When company came, those aprons were ideal hiding places for shy kids..
And when the weather was cold Grandma wrapped it around her arms.
Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring brow,
bent over the hot wood stove.
Chips and kindling wood were brought into the kitchen in that apron.
From the garden, it carried all sorts of vegetables.
After the peas had been shelled, it carried out the hulls.
In the autumn, the apron was used to bring in apples that had fallen from the trees.
When unexpected company drove up the road, it was surprising how much furniture that old apron could dust in a matter of seconds.
When dinner was ready, Grandma walked out onto the porch, waved her apron, and the men folk knew it was time to come in from the fields to dinner.
It will be a long time before someone invents something that will replace that 'old-time apron' that served so many purposes.
Send this to those who would know (and love) the story about Grandma's aprons.
REMEMBER:
Grandma used to set her hot baked apple pies on the window sill to cool. Her granddaughters set theirs on the window sill
to thaw.
They would go crazy now trying to figure out how many germs were on that apron.
I don't think I ever caught anything from an apron - but love...
When the power of love overcomes the love of power, there will be peace!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Women... Thanks Carol & Clay Vice!
God doesn't give you the people you want, He gives you the people you
NEED. To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you
into the person you were meant to be.(this is so true!!! :>)
LOVE YOU!!!!! NOW YOU'RE ON THE CLOCK!!!!
IN 9 MINUTES SOMETHING WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY, Time starts counting after you read the One Flaw in Women
BUT YOU HAVE TO TELL 9 SISTERS YOU LOVE THEM INCLUDING ME.. GO!!!!
One Flaw In Women
Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about
a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they
think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss
can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colours...
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what
makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideas.
They give moral support to their
family and friends.
Women have vital things to say
and everything to give..
HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,
IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.
Please pass this along to all your
women friends and relatives to remind them just
how amazing they are.
NEED. To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you
into the person you were meant to be.(this is so true!!! :>)
LOVE YOU!!!!! NOW YOU'RE ON THE CLOCK!!!!
IN 9 MINUTES SOMETHING WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY, Time starts counting after you read the One Flaw in Women
BUT YOU HAVE TO TELL 9 SISTERS YOU LOVE THEM INCLUDING ME.. GO!!!!
One Flaw In Women
Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about
a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they
think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss
can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colours...
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what
makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideas.
They give moral support to their
family and friends.
Women have vital things to say
and everything to give..
HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,
IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.
Please pass this along to all your
women friends and relatives to remind them just
how amazing they are.
Short and sweet... Thanks Judi Cole!
He speaks out of both sides of his mouth!!
Interesting results when people take the time to look it up.
OBAMA'S OWN WORDS TRAP HIM:
2008: "Navy Seal Team 6 is Cheney's private assassination team."
2011: "I put together Seal Team 6 to take out Bin Laden."
2008: "Bin Laden is innocent until proven guilty, and must be captured alive and given a fair trial."
2011: "I authorized Seal Team 6 to kill Bin Laden."
2008: " Guantanamo is entirely unnecessary, and the detainees should not be interrogated."
2011: "Vital intelligence was obtained from Guantanamo detainees that led to our locating Bin Laden."
--
"Thanking Obama for killing Osama bin Laden is like going into McDonald's and thanking Ronald McDonald for your hamburger.
You should be thanking the guy that actually cooked the hamburger, rather than giving credit to the clown!"
Interesting results when people take the time to look it up.
OBAMA'S OWN WORDS TRAP HIM:
2008: "Navy Seal Team 6 is Cheney's private assassination team."
2011: "I put together Seal Team 6 to take out Bin Laden."
2008: "Bin Laden is innocent until proven guilty, and must be captured alive and given a fair trial."
2011: "I authorized Seal Team 6 to kill Bin Laden."
2008: " Guantanamo is entirely unnecessary, and the detainees should not be interrogated."
2011: "Vital intelligence was obtained from Guantanamo detainees that led to our locating Bin Laden."
--
"Thanking Obama for killing Osama bin Laden is like going into McDonald's and thanking Ronald McDonald for your hamburger.
You should be thanking the guy that actually cooked the hamburger, rather than giving credit to the clown!"
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Blonde Mortician... Thanks Jim Kegley!
Subject: BLONDE MORTICIAN
JUST TOO FUNNY NOT TO SHARE.........
BLONDE MORTICIAN
A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!)
JUST TOO FUNNY NOT TO SHARE.........
BLONDE MORTICIAN
A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!)
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