The Florida Code... Thanks Patricia Whitehead!

To: Undisclosed-Recipient@yahoo.com

Sent: Sat, June 25, 2011 9:29:13 PM

Subject: THE FLORIDA CODE



THE FLORIDA CODE



When giving directions in Florida , you should Always start

with the words, "take I-75 or take I-95..."



If you're a snowbird or a non-working retiree, you absolutely cannot drive between the hours of 6 AM and 10 AM and 4 PM and 7 PM. This is considered to be rush hour and you're not in any rush. No exceptions.



Freeways can only go north and south. Not east and west..

Tolls are a fact of life down here, the state has to make money so deal with it!



I-275 will always be under construction... that's the Law, there is nothing anyone can do about it, period!

A1A and ALT A1A are the same streets.

Traffic lights aren't timed and never will be.

We measure the distance you travel in time, not miles.

If you travel more than 5-10 miles on any road in any part of Florida without seeing an orange 'Bob's Barricade', you're lost!



If you miss your exit on I-75, I-4 or I-275, its perfectly acceptable to back up.

Every street in Florida has both a name and a number (i.e. Adamo = 60th,) just for the hell of it and for the pleasure we get from the reaction of visitors when we give them directions.

Once the light turns green, only 3 cars can go through the intersection, eight more go through on yellow, and 4 more on red.



Know the difference between Sun Pass , Sun Fest, Sun-Sentinel, and Sun Trust.

Flip flops, tank tops and baggy shorts are also known as business casual.

Your blinker means nothing.



English is our first and second language.

It is perfectly acceptable to brag about the size of your generator.

We have alligators here in Florida and they WILL bite You... Don't be stupid and try to feed or pet one.

When a hurricane is headed our way, even though you have advanced warning and you are told to be prepared, you're not a true Floridian unless you wait until the absolute last Minute to go to Home Depot to pick up plywood or to Publix to stock up water, ice, beer, and potato chips.

You know how to spell Okeechobee. There is an Okeechobee Blvd , Street, Avenue, Town, Lake and County.

A true Floridian does NOT own a boat. They make friends with someone who already owns one. That way you don't have to deal with any of the headaches.

You weren't born here. If you were, you're angry That everyone else moved here.

There's always a Walgreens across the street From a CVS on almost every corner - with more being built every day.

When picking up a woman on South Beach , always Check for an Adams apple.

It's normal to sweat when you are putting up your Holiday decorations.

There is a city called The Villages where 77,000 old people (now 85,000) drive golf carts and dance in the streets & have the highest STD rate in the Nation.



Jupiter is a city, not a planet.

Seniors have to do their errands during the weekdays. Not weeknights or weekends - that's for the working Folks.

There are three types of dolphins: Mahi-mahi, Flipper, and also one called a football team.

You can't say; 'this is how we did it up North. If you think that way, then go back. Just Remember

I-95 runs both ways.

No matter what they decide in Tallahassee you will never, ever be able to figure out your property taxes.

Learn how to dress in layers. It will be 95 degrees outside but inside any restaurant or business it's 65 Degrees.



There are three things you will need to survive a Florida Winter: A long sleeved T-shirt, sunscreen and the ability to mock all those extremely pale' visitors' with the Bright pink ' Florida tans'

The same neighbor who smiles at you every day will be the first one to rat you out if you are violating water restrictions.

Weiner Limerick Thanks Les Winner!

There once was a pervert named Weiner who had a perverted demeanor.


Forced from the Hill For acting like Bill, now Congress is one weiner leaner.

For my friends, Ron Walters and Bob Looney

At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the




caretaker at your country house."





"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"





"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he



is dead".





"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"





"Si, Senor, that's the one."





"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he



die from?"



"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."



"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"



"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."



"Dead horse? What dead horse?"



"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."



"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"



"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."





"Are you insane? What water cart?"



"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."



"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"



"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught



on fire."



"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of



a candle?!"



"Yes, Senor Rod."



"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"



"For the funeral, Senor Rod."



"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"



"Your wife's, Senor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I



thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head



golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."









SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........VERY LONG SILENCE.







"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit."



This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm

Number 3

Proof that you can't underestimate the creativeness of Canadian boys for mischief.





Considering all the brilliant, devious minds we had in high school, I don't know how we missed doing this.



At a high school in Saskatchewan, a group of students played a prank....they let three goats loose inside the school.



But before turning them loose, they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2, and 4.



School Administrators spent most of the day looking for No. 3.

Perspective - Thanks Sharon Lundy!

There was


a blind girl who hated herself because she was blind. She

hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. He was always

there for her. She told her boyfriend, 'If I could only see

the world, I will marry you.'



One day,

someone donated a pair of eyes to her. When the bandages

came off, she was able to see everything, including her

boyfriend.



He asked

her,'Now that you can see the world, will you marry me?' The

girl looked at her boyfriend and saw that he was b lind. The

sight of his closed eyelids shocked her. She hadn't expected

that. The thought of looking at them the rest of her life

led her to refuse to marry him.



Her

boyfriend left in tears and days later wrote a note to her

saying: 'Take good care of your eyes, my dear, for before

they were yours, they were mine.'



This is

how the human brain often works when our status changes.

Only a very few remember what life was like before, and who was always by their side in the most painful situations.





Life Is a

Gift



Today

before you say an unkind word - Think of someone who can't speak.



Before

you complain about the taste of your food - Think of someone who has nothing to eat..



Before

you complain about your husband or wife - Think of someone

who's crying out to GOD for a companion.



Today

before you complain about life - Think of someone who went

too early to heaven..



Before

whining about the distance you drive Think of someone who

walks the same distance with their feet.



And when

you are tired and complain about your job - Think of the

unemployed, the disabled, and those who wish they had your job.



And when

depressing thoughts seem to get you down - Put a smile on

your face and think: you're alive and still around..

==========================



I PRAY

THIS MOVES AROUND

THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE.....





THINK

FW: 521 Thanks Bob Looney!

Best prayer ever..




Relax your mind and humble your heart to focus on Christ. Allow God to be the only person on your mind while you read this prayer. If we can take the time to read long jokes, stories, etc., we should give the same respect to this prayer. Friends, who pray together, stay together.

If you pray this prayer, change the number.









Dear Lord, I thank you for this day. I thank You for my being able to see and to hear this morning. I'm blessed because You are a forgiving God and an understanding God.. You have done so much for me and You keep on blessing me. Forgive me this day for everything I have done, said or thought that was not pleasing to you. I ask now for Your forgiveness



Please keep me safe from all danger and harm. Help me to start this day with a new attitude and plenty of gratitude. Let me make the best of each day to clear my mind so that I can hear from You.



Let me not whine and whimper over things I have no control over. Let me continue to see sin through God's eyes and acknowledge it as evil. And when I sin, let me repent, and confess with my mouth my wrongdoing, and receive the forgiveness of God.



And when this world closes in on me, let me remember Jesus' example -- to slip away and find a quiet place to pray. It's the best response when I'm pushed beyond my limits. I know that when I can't pray, You listen to my heart. Continue to use me to do Your will.



Continue to bless me that I may be a blessing to others. Keep me strong that I may help the weak.. Keep me uplifted that I may have words of encouragement for others. I pray for those who are lost and can't find their way. I pray for those who are misjudged and misunderstood. I pray for those who don't know You intimately. I pray for those who don't believe. But I thank you that I believe.



I believe that God changes people and God changes things. I pray for all my sisters and brothers. For every family member in their households. I pray for peace, love and joy in their homes that they are out of debt and all their needs are met..



I pray that every eye that reads this knows there is no problem, circumstance, or situation greater than God. Every battle is in Your hands for You to fight. I pray that these words be received into the hearts of every eye that sees them and every mouth that confesses them willingly..



This is my prayer.

In Jesus' Name,

Amen.





Don't ignore and God will bless you. Know that you are already blessed by the person who sent this to you.







DON'T FORGET TO CHANGE THE NUMBER IN

Air Force One- Arrogance rules! Thanks Luis!

Air Force One - arrogance rules






This is from Mark Knoller of CBS. The pilots and crew of Air Force One are flying more hours than a rookie on a beer run. They are tired of it too, and are adding more crew to Air Force-1, - I know this for a fact because I'm one of the instructors that trains the crews. Our company (Atlas Air) has had the Air Force-1 and E-4 contract for over two years and I've been doing it for about 8 months now.



Last year (2010) Obama flew in Air Force One 172 times, almost every other day.



White House officials have been telling reporters in recent days that the Democrat doesn't intend to hang around the White House quite so much in 2011. They explain he wants to get out more around the country because, as everyone knows, that midterm election shellacking on Nov. 2 had nothing to do with his health care bill, over-spending or other policies, and everything to do with Obama's not adequately explaining himself to his countrymen and women.



And with only 673 days remaining in Obama's never ending presidential campaign, the incumbent's travel pace will not likely slacken.



At an Air Force-estimated cost of $181,757 per flight HOUR (not to mention the additional travel costs of Marine One, Secret Service, logistics and local police overtime), that's a lot of frequent flier dollars going into Obama's carbon footprint.



We are privy to some of these numbers thanks to CBS' Mark Knoller, a bearded national treasure trove of presidential stats. According to Knoller's copious notes, during the last year, Obama made 65 domestic trips over 104 days, and six trips to eight countries over 22 days. Not counting six vacation trips over 32 days.



He took 196 helicopter trips, signed 203 pieces of legislation and squeezed in 29 rounds of left-handed golf.



Obama last year gave 491 speeches, remarks or statements. That's more talking than goes on in some entire families, at least from fatherly mouths.



In fact, even including the 24 days of 2010 that we never saw Obama in public, his speaking works out to about one official utterance every 11 waking hours. Aides indicate the "Real Good Talker" believes we need more.



Related: Obama spends nearly half his presidency outside Washington , plans to travel more



Related: Vacationer-in-Chief Spends $1.75 Million to Visit Hawaiian Chums



Obama has spent over $100 million taxpayer dollars flying around in Air Force One, and probably another $100 million on his entourage. Obama is just another tin-pot dictator living lavishly at the expense of his subjects.



And we seniors have to "tighten our belts" because we aren't getting a COLA again this year... and none last year!



THANKS TO ALL WHO HELPED PUT THIS GREEDY WINDBAG IN OFFICE!!



BE MORE CAREFUL NEXT TIME!!