Football jokes ... thanks Sonny Hoskins!

If you are a football fan I guarantee you will laugh out loud at some of these.


Ramey



Why do Nebraska football players like smart women?



Opposites attract.







Why was O.J. trying to escape to Knoxville, Tennessee?



Police would never look for a Heisman Trophy winner there.







Why was O.J. considering moving to West Virginia?



Everyone's DNA there is the same.







Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?



So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and wear it to pick up trash on Monday.







How do you get a former Ohio State football player off your porch?



Pay him for the pizza.







An Alabama fan and a Tennessee fan, fighting side-by-side, were captured during World War II and sentenced to die by firing squad. The enemy commander asked the Tennessee fan if he had any last requests. The Vol said, "I want to hear Rocky Top one last time." The Bama fan was then asked if he had any last requests. "Yes, shoot me first!"







A man is sitting at a park bench when another man sits next to him and they engage in conversation. Shortly after, the second man says, "So, I bet you're a Texas fan."



The first man says enthusiastically, "Why, yes I am. How did you know? My intelligence? My wit? My good looks?"



The second fellow says, "No. I saw your class ring when you were picking your nose."







A scrawny man at a bar in Columbus says to the guy sitting next to him, "Hey, you want to hear a really funny Ohio State joke?"



The guy replies, "Hey, buddy. See the bartender? He played at Ohio State. See those two huge guys to your left? They played at Ohio State. See that group of big guys over at that table? All Ohio State football players. Look at me. I'm 6'4, 235, and played at Ohio State. Now are you sure you want to tell me your joke?"



The scrawny man says, "Nah. I don't want to have to explain and repeat it five times."







How can you spot a Tennessee fan at a wedding?



Just look for the guy in the orange T-shirt.







What does the average Florida State player get on his SATs?



Drool.







How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend?



Tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.







How many Pitt football players does it take to change a light bulb?



Five. And they each get three credits.







University of South Carolina Coach Steve Spurrier comes into the locker room before practice and says to his star receiver, "You're failing math. If you don't want to become academically ineligible, you'll have to answer these math questions correctly."



The star receiver agrees and Spurrier asks him, "What does 4 plus 4 equal?"



"Eleven," says the athlete.



The rest of the team pleads, "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!" Spurrier then asks, "What does 2 plus 2 equal?"



The receiver says, "Four."



The rest of the team yells, "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"







How many Florida freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?



None. That's a sophomore course.







What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?



A full set of teeth.







Why is Nebraska's football field artificial turf and not real grass?



So the cheerleaders won't graze.







What are the longest three years of a Florida State football player's life?



Freshman year.







Alabama football coach Nick Saban asked the freshman walk-on hopeful if he could tackle.



The kid said, "Yes, sir coach, I can tackle."



The coach then asked, "Well, can you run?"



The kid said, "Yes, sir coach, I can run very fast."



Saban then said, "Can you pass a football?"



The kid thought for a second and said, "Well, coach, if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."







If you are driving and see a Miami football player riding a bicycle, why should you take great care in not hitting him?



It could be your bike.







You are stuck in a cave with an angry grizzly bear, a mountain lion, and a Texas A&M fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?



Shoot the Aggie fan...twice.







What do you get if you see an Ohio State fan buried up to his neck in sand?



More sand.







A man asks his friend, "Did you hear about the 22-year-old babe who married the 93-year-old Alabama booster? It was a football wedding."



The friend says, "A football wedding?"



"Yeah, she's waiting for him to kick off."







The Notre Dame fan was complaining to his friend about his wife. He said, "My wife thinks I put the Fighting Irish ahead of our marriage. I disagree. We just celebrated our fourth season together."







How come football isn't a religion this season in the SEC?



It was put on probation.







What do you call 20 Ohio State fans lying on the lawn?



Fertilizer.







How do you get a Nebraska cheerleader into your dorm room?



Grease her hips and push.







Why do Mississippi State football players put their diplomas on the dashboard?



So they can park in a handicapped spot.







Why do Michigan State football players go to movies in groups of 18 or more?



17 and under not admitted.







What is the most common phrase used by a former Colorado football player?



Would you like fries with that?







What do you call a genius sitting in the Arkansas student section?



Visitor.







A young boy and his mother were in the cemetery visiting the grave of a loved one. They came upon a headstone that read, "Here lies a Florida State graduate and an honest man." The boy then asked his mother, "Mommy, why did they bury two men in there?"







Why did they build a new automobile factory near Oklahoma State?



Because of the endless supply of crash test dummies down the street.







How did the Georgia football player die from drinking milk?



The cow fell on him.







Did you hear about the Florida State kicker who tried to throw himself on the floor in a fit of rage?



He missed.







What's the difference between a litter of puppies and Steve Spurrier?



Puppies stop whining after 8 weeks.







Two West Virginia football players were walking in the woods. One of them said, "Look, a dead bird." The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"







How do you keep a Colorado football player out of your yard?



Put up a goalpost.







How can you tell the female student who is a college football fan from the north from the female student who is a college football fan from the south? The female student from the north is a physics major who understands Sylvia Plath. The female student from the south is a Miss USA contestant and understands the west coast offense.







A Clemson football player was almost killed yesterday in a tragic horseback-riding accident. He fell from the horse and was nearly trampled to death. Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse.







A Southern Cal football player was bragging to a group of co-eds that he finished a jigsaw puzzle in only three months. One girl said, "Three months? You're proud of that?"



The Trojan said, "Yep. On the box it said 4-6 years."







What do Penn State football players call the elderly?



Coach.







What do you say to an Ohio State football player dressed in a three-piece suit?



Will the defendant please rise.







What's the difference between a Pitt cheerleader and an elephant?



A couple of hundred pounds.







When do Florida State players NOT run up the score?



When they are taking their SATs.







How can you tell when it's homecoming weekend at Iowa?



The cheerleaders have braided their armpit hair.







What do you get when you drag a $1,000 bill through a housing project?



A Miami football signee.







A man inherited over one billion dollars from a long-lost uncle who happened to be an oil baron. The man, thrilled at his good fortune, asked his young son what he wanted. He told his child that money was no object. The boy said he wanted a Mickey Mouse outfit. So the man bought him the University of Colorado.







What do you call a 200-pound Michigan State cheerleader?



Anorexic.







If three Florida State football players are in a car, who is driving?



The police officer.







How come female college football fans in the south don't carry wallets?



That's what dates are for.

Translations ... Thanks John & Yvette Massey!

This also works for Rednecks. For sure it applies in Ohio.






Texas has compiled a "Californian to Texan" translation.



CALIFORNIA                                    TEXAS

Arsenal of Weapons                            Gun Collection

Delicate Wetlands                               Swamp

Undocumented Worker                       Illegal Alien

Cruelty-Free Materials                        Synthetic Fiber

Assault and Battery                             Attitude Adjustment

Heavily Armed                                    Well-protected

Narrow-minded                                   Righteous

Taxes or Your Fair Share                    Coerced Theft

Commonsense Gun Control                Gun Confiscation Plot

Illegal Hazardous Explosives               Fireworks for Stump Removal

Nonviable Tissue Mass                         Unborn Baby

Equal Access to Opportunity                Socialism

Multicultural Community                     High Crime Area

Fairness or Social Progress                    Marxism

Upper Class or "The Rich "                    Self-Employed

Progressive, Change                               Big Government Scheme

Homeless or Disadvantaged                   Bums or Welfare Leeches

Sniper Rifle                                             Scoped Deer Rifle

Investment For the Future                      Higher Taxes

Healthcare Reform                                  Socialized Medicine

Extremist, Judgmental, or Hater             Conservative

Truants                                                      Homeschoolers

Victim or Oppressed                                Criminal or Lazy Good-For-Nothing

High Capacity Magazine                           Standard Capacity Magazine

Religious Zealot                                        Church-going

Reintroduced Wolves                                Sheep and Elk Killers

Fair Trade Coffee                                       Overpriced Yuppie Coffee

Exploiters or "The Rich "                           Employed or Land Owner

The Gun Lobby                                           NRA Members

Assault Weapon Semi-Auto                       (Grandpa's M1 Carbine)

Fiscal Stimulus                                             New Taxes and Higher Taxes

Same Sex Marriage                                       Legalized Perversion

Mandated Eco-Friendly Lighting                 Chinese Mercury-Laden Light Bulbs

Tata- India- Air car ... Thanks Sonny!

I want one. Amazing, huh?

What is this?

Will it be the next big thing? Tata Motors thinks so.





It is an auto engine that runs on air.

That's right; air not gas or diesel or electric but just the air around us.









Tata Motors of India has scheduled the Air Car to hit Indian streets by August 2011

The Air Car, developed by ex-Formula One engineer Guy N. For Luxembourg-based MDI, uses compressed air to push its engine's pistons and make the car go.



The Air Car, called the "Mini CAT" could cost around 365,757 rupees in India or $8,177 US.

The Mini CAT which is a simple, light urban car, with a tubular chassis, a body of fiberglass that is glued not welded and powered by compressed air. A Microprocessor is used to control all electrical functions of the car. One tiny radio transmitter sends instructions to the lights, turn signals and every other electrical device on the car. Which are not many.



The temperature of the clean air expelled by the exhaust pipe is between 0-15 degrees below zero, which makes it suitable for use by the internal air conditioning system with no need for gases or loss of power.



There are no keys, just an access card which can be read by the car from your pocket. According to the designers, it costs less than 50 rupees per 100 KM, that's about a tenth the cost of a car running on gas. It's mileage is about double that of the most advanced electric car, a factor which makes it a perfect choice for city motorists. The car has a top speed of 105 KM per hour or 60 mph and would have a range of around 300 km or 185 miles between refuels. Refilling the car will take place at adapted gas stations with special air compressors. A fill up will only take two to three minutes and costs approximately 100 rupees and the car will be ready to go another 300 kilometers.



This car can also be filled at home with it's on board compressor. It will take 3-4 hours to refill the tank, but it can be done while you sleep.



Because there is no combustion engine, changing the 1 liter of vegetable oil is only necessary every 50,000 KM or 30,000 miles. Due to its simplicity, there is very little maintenance to be done on this car.



This Air Car almost sounds too good to be true. We'll see in August.

Don't laugh too hard at the company name,

Tata Motors owns Jaguar.

Bruce Thomas Metallurgical Engineer

Bruce Thomas was an outstanding Metallurgical Engineer for the Timken Company. He gave up the industrial life to become a house painter and I am sure that he did that very well. He was also an astute investor and he befriended my oldest son, Jay, Columbus librarian then at Hilliard, and passed on some $ wisdom to him. He also gave me a fine set of about fifty or so metallographic samples which are still used in the Metallurgy Laboratory at Defense Supply Center Columbus. Bruce and I also shared adjunct kinship at Columbus State Community College. I didn't know the family well, but we just should not forget God's great people like Metallurgist Bruce Thomas.

~ Sam Kegley, Westerville, Ohio

Oh to be six again ... Thanks Terry Krause!

Subject: Oh! To Be Six Again




Oh, to Be 6 Again! A man was sitting on the edge of the bed,

watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since

her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her

birthday. 'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in

the mirror. On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her

a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme

park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death

Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything

there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her

head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to

a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a

chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and

her

favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she

wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He

leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear,

what was it like being six again?' Her eyes slowly opened and her

expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you idiot!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's

Going to get it wrong.

PHS 1950 Necrology since our 60th reunion

Gwili (Prater) Fisher asked that I advise our classmates on the internet of recent deaths:

Dr. Tom Swope (this past week).  Massive stroke

Oleta Lewis Thompson (Gus' widow)  During our reunion.  She intended to come out from Portsmouth to Shawnee to meet us there one PM, but her health didn't permit it. 

Duncan White (Nancy White's husband)  A really good person who enjoyed our reunions along with his great wife

Emma Lou Mustard    She was a majorette and came to an early reunion, but I hadn't seen her for years.  Majorettes always have great legs, but who am I to notice?

Carolyn Carr   (I believe Hortense Bemse Robinson told me that Carolyn Carolyn was an important producer of ESPN broadcasts).  I am a little forgetful, friends, but I am only 78, soon to be 79.  Some of you older ones may understand if I am a little wrong in my memories.

Barbara Laughlin   Our valedictorian. 

Judy (Fairchild) Carr   (Jim Carr's wife) They lived in Gahanna, Ohio.

Ted Truitt  (Ann Bartlett's husband)  fairly recently. 

I got the annual out and perused the photos of our class.  Each one's personality came out of the page as I glimpsed across.  These were truly great people and they will be missed.  I paused, prayed for each of them in aggregate, especially those who have passed on, seeking the blessings of Jesus upon us sinners.  Thank you God for your great plan!

Thanks for keeping us informed, Gwili!

Sam

Fundamental liberal philosophy ... Yep, friend!

Does this explain liberals to you?




"This is sheer genius."



In a bid to stem taxpayer losses for bad loans guaranteed by federal housing agencies Fanny Mae and Freddy Mac, Senator Bob Corker (R-Tenn.) proposed that borrowers be required to make a 5% down payment in order to qualify.



His proposal was rejected 57-42 on a party-line vote because, as Senator Chris Dodd (D-Conn) explained, "Passage of such a requirement would restrict home ownership to only those who can afford it."



I can't add anything to this

SamKat will add a little though:

This is easy for you to say, friend. You worked hard, saved a little change, and always tried to mind your p's and q's. Are you trying to say real benefits from our "partnership" system with our government should be rewarded by hard work and honesty? I resemble that remark.



Jeanie and I have bought three houses (mortgaged) and have paid ten per cent down each time. How dumb we must be for thinking such money deals have helped keep America great. The banks have benefitted from interest 'earned'. The government non-representatives of "We, the People" encourage those who don't work, to keep up the good non-work!


Go Tea Party! Ignore our national media and simple minded 'representatives' like Chris Dodd (D).