For those that don't know about history ... Here is a condensed version:
Humans
originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer
and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all
of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel.
The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation
of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting
of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1 . Liberals
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required
grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass
bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans
were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed
close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking
and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This
was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement...
Other men who were weaker and less
skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up
for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing.
This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually
evolved into women. They became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy
liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of
group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to
decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to
be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the
elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish
but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard
liberal fare.. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and
group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter
rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud or
Miller. They eat red meat and still provide for their women.
Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks,
construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers,
engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively.
Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers
and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans
are
more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals
remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They
crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history:
It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to
angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.
A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute
truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true
believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.
And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self.....I'm
going to have another beer.
