The Philosophy of Ambiguity
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF
AMBIGUITY AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES
OF ENGLISH:
1. DON'T
SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.
2. ONE TEQUILA,
TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.
3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET
ORGANIZATION.
4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL
HAVE MONKEYS AND
APES?
5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS
BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE
BAD GIRLS LIVE.
6. I WENT TO A
BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP
SECTION?" SHE
SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
7. WHAT IF THERE WERE
NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS
MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH
SOAP?
9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE
PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT
CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE
SITUATION?
10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
11. WHERE DO
FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU
SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED
PLANT?
13. IF A PARSLEY
FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS
BE CALLED A WALK?
15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY
AFRAID SOMEONE WILL
CLEAN THEM?
16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL,
IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL
CRACKERS?
18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE
RIGHT TO REMAIN
SILENT?
19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE
DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD
ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD
SIGNS?
21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING
BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK
ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN
ALGEBRA?
24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY
ADULTERY?
25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
26. IF ONE
SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
27. IF YOU ATE BOTH
PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL,
AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE
WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED
"HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?
31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST
SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON
SOUR CREAM?
33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE
TIMES, DO THEY
BECOME DISORIENTED?
34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE
AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
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