Grins and
Snickers
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Grins and Snickers
I was in the six item express
lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign,
the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart
piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the
woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which
six items would you like to buy?"
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
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Because they had no
reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told
there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.
"Young man, we're both 90
years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.
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The reason Politicians try so
hard to get re-elected is that they would "hate" to have to make a
living under the laws they've passed.
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All eyes were on the radiant
bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and
the waiting groom, the bride kissed her father and placed something in his
hand.
The guests in the front pews
responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in
marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
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Women and cats will do as
they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
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Three friends from the local
congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and
congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to
say?"
Artie said, "I would like
them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great
family man."
Eugene commented, "I would
like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge
difference in people's lives."
Al said, "I'd like them to
say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
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Smith climbs to the top of
Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord.
"God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A
minute."
Smith asks, "And what
does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A
penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have
a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a
minute."
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A man goes to a shrink and
says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to
Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her!
I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the
Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where
is Larry's bar?"
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John was on his deathbed and
gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John,"
his wife said softly.
"Six months after I
die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated
Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said,
"I do!"
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A man goes to see the Rabbi.
'
"Rabbi, something
terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's
wrong?"
The man replied, "My
wife is poisoning me.
The Rabbi, very surprised by
this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads,
"I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I
do?"
The Rabbi then offers,
"Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and
I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls
the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want
my advice?
The man said, "Yes"
and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."
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