Subject: FW: Chuckles . . .
LIFE AFTER DEATH
"DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES.
"YES, SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED.
"WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS WENT ON. "AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU!
PALM SUNDAY
IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR. "PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY." WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT, THE BOY FUMED. "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP.
CHILDREN'S SERMON
ONE EASTER SUNDAY MORNING AS THE MINISTER WAS PREACHING THE CHILDREN'S SERMON, HE REACHED INTO HIS BAG OF PROPS AND PULLED OUT AN EGG. HE POINTED AT THE EGG AND ASKED THE CHILDREN, "WHAT'S IN HERE?" "I KNOW!" A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED. "PANTYHOSE ! "
SUPPORT A FAMILY
THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?"
THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES."
FIRST TIME USHERS
A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES.
WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY I'M UNDER FIVE."
CLIMB THE WALLS
"OH, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU," THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER'S SIDE. "NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THE TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US."
THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. "WHAT TRICK IS THAT?" SHE ASKED.
"I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT," THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED.
THE WATER PISTOL
WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL... HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK.
I WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID, "I'M SURPRISED AT YOU. DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?"
MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED..... "I REMEMBER!!"
GRANDMA'S AGE
LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA HOW OLD SHE WAS.
GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND HOLDING."
JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, "AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?"
Monday, April 25, 2011
Saturday, April 23, 2011
His nme is Jesus... Thanks Clay Vice!
Make sure you open the attachment and go into the e-card
His Name is Jesus by Max Lucado
HIS BIRTH
Jesus...
He could hold the universe in His palm
but gave it up to float
in the womb of a maiden.
Christ became one of us.
and He did so to redeem all of us.
HIS MISSION
Jesus...
The man...
who spoke with such thunderous authority
and loved with such childlike humility.
The life of Jesus Christ
is a message of hope,
a message of mercy,
a message of life in a dark world.
HIS DEATH
Jesus...
The palm that held the universe
took the nail of a soldier.
On the eve of the cross,
Jesus made His decision.
He would rather
go to hell for you
than go to heaven without you.
HIS RESURRECTION
Jesus...
the moment He removed the stone,
He removed all reason for doubt.
Christ's resurrection
is an exploding flare
announcing to all sincere seekers
that it is safe to believe.
-Max Lucado
We have an Advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous. I John 2:1
EASTER BLESSINGS! Share this message from bestselling author Max Lucado as a FREE E-Card & Devotional Download, courtesy of Thomas Nelson and DaySpring.
His Name is Jesus by Max Lucado
HIS BIRTH
Jesus...
He could hold the universe in His palm
but gave it up to float
in the womb of a maiden.
Christ became one of us.
and He did so to redeem all of us.
HIS MISSION
Jesus...
The man...
who spoke with such thunderous authority
and loved with such childlike humility.
The life of Jesus Christ
is a message of hope,
a message of mercy,
a message of life in a dark world.
HIS DEATH
Jesus...
The palm that held the universe
took the nail of a soldier.
On the eve of the cross,
Jesus made His decision.
He would rather
go to hell for you
than go to heaven without you.
HIS RESURRECTION
Jesus...
the moment He removed the stone,
He removed all reason for doubt.
Christ's resurrection
is an exploding flare
announcing to all sincere seekers
that it is safe to believe.
-Max Lucado
We have an Advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous. I John 2:1
EASTER BLESSINGS! Share this message from bestselling author Max Lucado as a FREE E-Card & Devotional Download, courtesy of Thomas Nelson and DaySpring.
Happy Easter! Thanks Sarah DuPuy Rapp!
I sincerely pray that all my e'mail friends and family will observe the actual meaning of this beautiful celebration we accept this week-end.
JESUS CHRIST gave His life so that we may enjoy the freedom we have from Him to make our own decisions. HE also gave us the blessings of telling us how to live our lives in order to share "paradise" with HIM when HE calls us "home".
Surely we can all take some time this week-end to show HIM we appreciate everything that HE does for us on a daily basis..
GOD BLESS EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU
IN GOD WE TRUST
JESUS CHRIST gave His life so that we may enjoy the freedom we have from Him to make our own decisions. HE also gave us the blessings of telling us how to live our lives in order to share "paradise" with HIM when HE calls us "home".
Surely we can all take some time this week-end to show HIM we appreciate everything that HE does for us on a daily basis..
GOD BLESS EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU
IN GOD WE TRUST
The pharmacist's Monday morning... Thanks Pat Whitehead!
Subject: The Pharmacist's Monday Morning
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained :
"It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.
I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand
an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist
told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it.
"This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up.
I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize
I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break
a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a
speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store,
I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store a bunch of people
were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started
waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the
hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash
register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I
had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone
was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash
drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume
bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally
got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to
use a Rectal thermometer. And believe me, mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained :
"It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.
I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand
an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist
told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it.
"This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up.
I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize
I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break
a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a
speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store,
I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store a bunch of people
were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started
waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the
hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash
register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I
had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone
was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash
drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume
bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally
got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to
use a Rectal thermometer. And believe me, mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."
Fw- God and grass... Thanks Mr. Looney!
Subject: God and Grass
You don't have to be a gardener to enjoy this conversation between God and St.Francis.
GOD:
Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going
on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets,
milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance
garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and
multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.
St. FRANCIS:
It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started
calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and
replace them with grass.
GOD:
Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract
butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to
temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing
there?
ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green.
They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant
that crops up in the lawn.
GOD:
The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast.
That must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes
twice a week.
GOD:
They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS:
Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
GOD:
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS: No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
GOD:
Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow.
And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS:
Yes, Sir.
GOD:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the
rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a
lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS:
You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so
fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can
continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD:
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer
stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the
spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall
to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and
protect the tree s and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.
ST. FRANCIS:
You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As
soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have
them hauled away.
GOD:
No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to
keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS:
After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they
call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
GOD:
And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS:
They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
GOD:
Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in
charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
ST. CATHERINE:
'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....
GOD:
Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
You don't have to be a gardener to enjoy this conversation between God and St.Francis.
GOD:
Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going
on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets,
milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance
garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and
multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.
St. FRANCIS:
It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started
calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and
replace them with grass.
GOD:
Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract
butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to
temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing
there?
ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green.
They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant
that crops up in the lawn.
GOD:
The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast.
That must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes
twice a week.
GOD:
They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS:
Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
GOD:
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS: No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
GOD:
Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow.
And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS:
Yes, Sir.
GOD:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the
rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a
lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS:
You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so
fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can
continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD:
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer
stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the
spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall
to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and
protect the tree s and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.
ST. FRANCIS:
You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As
soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have
them hauled away.
GOD:
No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to
keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS:
After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they
call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
GOD:
And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS:
They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
GOD:
Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in
charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
ST. CATHERINE:
'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....
GOD:
Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
FW- God and grass... Thanks Bob Looney!
God must be proud of my dandelions, Bob. I have some spray for them this weekend. It almost makes one think that the Joneses are more important than God...
Sam
Sam
Beyond the blackboard- Hallmark Hall of Fame Sunday
Thanks Judi Cole! Vales of caring!
I'll be watching - sounds like a great show!
Caring Enough to Broadcast the Very Best
By Cal Thomas
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com
Growing up, "Hallmark Hall of Fame" represented the gold standard of what we would call today "family values" television, except that TV then rarely carried anything threatening to those values. Today, Hallmark's commitment to quality television hasn't change; it even has its own cable channel, which shows films that affirm the values most of us hold dear.
This Easter Sunday, CBS will mark the 60th anniversary of the "Hallmark Hall of Fame" with a film called "Beyond the Blackboard." It's one of those "based on a true story" projects about a young woman (Stacey Bess) who desperately wants to teach, but finds there are no jobs available in her Salt Lake City school district. There is, however, an experimental program and Bess (played by Emily VanCamp), eagerly accepts the job. There's a problem, though. She is to teach homeless children in a rundown warehouse.
Stacey shows up for her first day of work wearing pumps and carrying a leather briefcase and gets a fast reality check.
Based on Bess' memoir, "Nobody Don't Love Nobody," the film could easily veer off into a political diatribe and a call for more government spending on education. It is a tribute to the restraint of the creators that it does not. What it does depict is the power of one person to make a difference in other people's lives, not with government funds, but with the currency of a loving and dedicated heart.
This storyline originally put me off. It is drenched in estrogen and Stacey's husband Greg, played by Steve Talley, seems largely passive, even irrelevant, except that he keeps getting her pregnant. But the more I thought about it the more I realized that "wholesome TV" takes some getting used to. The mind must purge itself of the sexual and the tawdry to make room for the good.
In an interview on the "Blackboard" set in Albuquerque, the real Stacey Bess recalls her first day with the homeless children: "The gentleman who greeted me at the shelter looked me up and down and all his body language was saying, 'You don't belong here. This isn't gonna work out.' And the truth is, the chance of my surviving at the beginning were just about nil. I mean, I'd never been exposed to poverty."
RECEIVE LIBERTY LOVING COLUMNISTS IN YOUR INBOX … FOR FREE!
Every weekday NewsAndOpinion.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". HUNDREDS of columnists and cartoonists regularly appear. Sign up for the daily update. It's free. Just click here.
Stacey Bess is no "do-gooder," who comes to a place she might never knowingly want to visit and then leaves after a few days. This is commitment. This is real. This matters, because she has mattered in the lives of others.
"What's the bottom line take away from this story?" she is asked.
"I think the Number One thing that Greg (her husband) and I have truly learned is step out of your comfort zone, reach out to people, you don't have to be sophisticated to love somebody, you don't have to have grand skills, you don't have to have a degree, you just have to want to care just a little bit further than what's expected. We're not exceptional people. ... I just happened to have an opportunity to help some young people, and I just happened to have a husband and children who supported me -- and really, we did it together."
That attitude has inspired "Hallmark Hall of Fame" for 60 years. One hopes that in our cynical and hyper-politicized age, it will last for another 60.
I'll be watching - sounds like a great show!
Caring Enough to Broadcast the Very Best
By Cal Thomas
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com
Growing up, "Hallmark Hall of Fame" represented the gold standard of what we would call today "family values" television, except that TV then rarely carried anything threatening to those values. Today, Hallmark's commitment to quality television hasn't change; it even has its own cable channel, which shows films that affirm the values most of us hold dear.
This Easter Sunday, CBS will mark the 60th anniversary of the "Hallmark Hall of Fame" with a film called "Beyond the Blackboard." It's one of those "based on a true story" projects about a young woman (Stacey Bess) who desperately wants to teach, but finds there are no jobs available in her Salt Lake City school district. There is, however, an experimental program and Bess (played by Emily VanCamp), eagerly accepts the job. There's a problem, though. She is to teach homeless children in a rundown warehouse.
Stacey shows up for her first day of work wearing pumps and carrying a leather briefcase and gets a fast reality check.
Based on Bess' memoir, "Nobody Don't Love Nobody," the film could easily veer off into a political diatribe and a call for more government spending on education. It is a tribute to the restraint of the creators that it does not. What it does depict is the power of one person to make a difference in other people's lives, not with government funds, but with the currency of a loving and dedicated heart.
This storyline originally put me off. It is drenched in estrogen and Stacey's husband Greg, played by Steve Talley, seems largely passive, even irrelevant, except that he keeps getting her pregnant. But the more I thought about it the more I realized that "wholesome TV" takes some getting used to. The mind must purge itself of the sexual and the tawdry to make room for the good.
In an interview on the "Blackboard" set in Albuquerque, the real Stacey Bess recalls her first day with the homeless children: "The gentleman who greeted me at the shelter looked me up and down and all his body language was saying, 'You don't belong here. This isn't gonna work out.' And the truth is, the chance of my surviving at the beginning were just about nil. I mean, I'd never been exposed to poverty."
RECEIVE LIBERTY LOVING COLUMNISTS IN YOUR INBOX … FOR FREE!
Every weekday NewsAndOpinion.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". HUNDREDS of columnists and cartoonists regularly appear. Sign up for the daily update. It's free. Just click here.
Stacey Bess is no "do-gooder," who comes to a place she might never knowingly want to visit and then leaves after a few days. This is commitment. This is real. This matters, because she has mattered in the lives of others.
"What's the bottom line take away from this story?" she is asked.
"I think the Number One thing that Greg (her husband) and I have truly learned is step out of your comfort zone, reach out to people, you don't have to be sophisticated to love somebody, you don't have to have grand skills, you don't have to have a degree, you just have to want to care just a little bit further than what's expected. We're not exceptional people. ... I just happened to have an opportunity to help some young people, and I just happened to have a husband and children who supported me -- and really, we did it together."
That attitude has inspired "Hallmark Hall of Fame" for 60 years. One hopes that in our cynical and hyper-politicized age, it will last for another 60.
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