Clean Humor ... thanks Lyle!

Subj: Clean Humor While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, I know how you feel. My Mom makes me ride in the stroller, too.' ***** As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breastfeed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them.' ***** Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now. Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway.' ****** Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day, I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she screamed. 'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's not polite behavior.' With that, the girl yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank you! ****** On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, I know babies come from Mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?' After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, 'You don't have to make up something, Dad. It's okay if you don't know the answer.' ***** Just before I was deployed to Iraq, I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him. "I'm going to be away for a long time," I told him. "I'm going to Iraq." "Why?" he asked. "Don't you know there's a war going on over there?" ***** Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for Children stricken with cancer, AIDS and blood diseases. One afternoon, he and is wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know Newman was a famous movie star, explained, That's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?' Blank stares. 'Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.' An eight-year-old girl perked up. 'How long was he missing?' ***** His wife's graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there." =

Kentucky's NBA announcements ... Thanks Judi!

Sending this just in case you haven't seen it yet. This guy knows what he's talking about!

They made the announcement together, which certainly was fitting, and it was at their insistence. Anthony Davis, Michael Kidd-Gilchrist, Terrence Jones, Doron Lamb and Marquis Teague officially left NCAA basketball behind Tuesday evening, but, unofficially, they never will leave Kentucky.
In just seven months, they forged themselves into a team for the ages and, more to the point, for this age.
Their collective departure for the NBA Draft will not be universally appreciated, however, and that is the one great tragedy of the 2011-12 Kentucky basketball season. There wasn’t much these Wildcats left undone: They tied the Division I record with 38 victories in a season, won the SEC regular-season title, reached the Final Four, won the NCAA title.
But they failed to convert the agnostics.
They did all they could, of course. Davis was so spectacular he swept every major award a college player can win: Freshman of the year, player of the year, defensive player of the year and most outstanding player of the Final Four. No one among the Wildcats averaged 10 shots a game. No one averaged 15 points. All six in the primary rotation averaged more than an assist per game.

MORE FROM SPORTING NEWS

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Five Wildcats starters declare for the NBA
Kentucky has vastly different look in 2013
These Wildcats played the game the way basketball purists dream for it to be played: Intelligently, fairly, aggressively and, now more than ever, selflessly.
Six-time NBA champion Scottie Pippen once said, “Sometimes, a player's greatest challenge is coming to grips with his role on the team." Among the 2012 Kentucky Wildcats, senior Darius Miller gave up a starting job because it made sense to bring his scoring ability off the bench; Davis refurnished his house with trophies despite taking the fourth-most shots among the Wildcats, and Jones took fewer 3-point shots because these loaded Wildcats didn’t need him to force offense.
“We tell them all the time: Be the teammate you want to play with,” Calipari said Tuesday night.
It was quite clear these Wildcats -- though products of the summer basketball subculture so widely derided, carrying the recruiting rankings that supposedly warp one’s sensibilities, each of them ground daily through the mock drafts that distract so many college players -- had listened to their coaches.
“During the season, it’s about our team. You saw it in this year’s team: They were about each other,” Calipari said. “When the season is over, it’s about moments like this.”
Tuesday night’s press conference was exactly the moment Kentucky’s critics had anticipated, and with contempt. It has been breathtaking to observe, in the aftermath of Kentucky’s championship, the intellectually dishonest dismissals of the Wildcats’ achievements, so many seizing upon the myth of this team rather than its reality.

In a New York Times piece that appeared just hours after the Wildcats triumphed in New Orleans, Ohio University professor David Ridpath called Kentucky’s method of constructing basketball teams “a complete façade” and posited, “Anyone who thinks that this has anything to do with the collegiate or educational model is flat-out wrong.”
Associated Press columnist Jim Litke declared the term “student-athlete” died at 11:42 p.m. ET on April 2, which was the moment Kentucky completed its victory over Kansas and claimed the school’s eighth NCAA championship.
In fact, the 2012 edition of Kentucky basketball wasn’t substantially different than many modern college teams. It was just better than all of them.
Its roster was not entirely composed of “one-and-dones.” Such players did not even form the majority of its playing rotation. There were three, we know now, following Tuesday evening’s press conference Davis, Kidd-Gilchrist and Teague. Two of the most important players in the drive to the title, though, were sophomores about whom it was conjectured a year earlier that their departure would come after a single season: Jones and Lamb. And Miller, one of the heroes of the semifinal win over Louisville, will graduate from UK this spring.
Kentucky actually got more from its senior class than Connecticut did a year ago, or Florida in 2006.
Kentucky had only one more “one-and-done” this season than Texas did in 2010-11 and precisely the same number as Ohio State in 2006-07, but it doesn’t seem anyone proclaimed the end of the world as we know it after the Buckeyes lost to Florida on an April night in Atlanta. And it’s quite obvious that the world did not end without warning, or we would not be here debating the Wildcats’ place in it.
So what is different about Calipari’s Kentucky, exactly? Is it that he makes it obvious his ambition is to get his players to the NBA, to the point he persistently provokes his own fans with proclamations that a successful draft night is more important to him than a deep NCAA Tournament run?
No doubt there are still some among the privileged who still attend college for the sake of being genuinely educated, to be able to have deep, intellectual discussions at wine-and-cheese parties about Proust and the Pythagorean Theorem. This is an alluring luxury available to a few, like investing in hedge funds or cruising the Bahamas on one’s own yacht.
Most of us who went to college, though, were there in pursuit of career training.
So the Kentucky players who announced they will depart short of earning their degrees are no different than the majority of their classmates, except that each of the Wildcats players leaves with a reasonable level of assurance there will be a job waiting for him in his chosen field.
That should be the measure of how Kentucky operates: Are its teams successful at the college level, and are its early entrants being drafted into the league and performing once there? In three Kentucky seasons, Calipari’s teams have reached the Elite Eight, the Final Four and the NCAA championship, in addition to winning either the SEC regular season or SEC Tournament each year.
To date, six of UK’s seven early entrants under Calipari were first-round selections. The only exception, guard DeAndre Liggins, was chosen in the second round last June and has spent the year as a deep reserve with the Orlando Magic. Guard Eric Bledsoe has not been spectacular in the league, but getting him positioned as a top-20 pick despite a modest prep pedigree seemed too great an achievement to risk in the spring of 2010. The rest, including John Wall and DeMarcus Cousins, mostly have done well.
In saying goodbye to his five underclassmen Tuesday, Calipari listed the basketball attributes of each, most of it reiterated from lectures along the NCAA Tournament trail. And then he said something for the first time, which isn’t something he gets to do often:
“I’m proud to say I was able to spend a year with them,” Calipari said.
And why wouldn’t he be?

Read more: http://aol.sportingnews.com/ncaa-basketball/story/2012-04-17/nba-draft-2012-kentucky-underclassmen-having-learned-to-be-champions-primed-for-#ixzz1sXtrWx5q

Best USMC joke ... thanks Ron!

USMC =oke of the Year

A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came =pon an Iraqi =errorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the =pposite side of =he road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. =he Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both =en, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine =eported, I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway =ere, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each =ther and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I =elled to him =hat Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who =ot what he =eserved. and he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American. So I =aid that =sama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!
And, =here we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us.

Colombo visits obama

Ah, sorry to bother you Mr. Obama, Sir. . ... Excuse me Mr. Obama, I mean President Obama, Sir. Um . . I know you're busy, and important and stuff. I mean, running the country is very important and -- ah -- I hate to bother you, Sir. I will only take a minute. Ok, Sir? See, I have these missing pieces that are holding me up, and I was wondering, Sir, if you could take time out of your busy schedule and help me out? You know, no big deal, just some loose ends and things. Hey, you have a nice place here! The wife sees houses like this on TV all the time and says, boy, she wishes she had digs like this, you know? Is that painting real? Really? Wow! I saw something like that in a museum once. Oh, sorry Sir. I didn't mean to get off the track. So if you could just help me out a minute and give me some details, I will get right out of your way. I want to close this case and maybe take the wife to Coney Island or something. Ever been to Coney Island Sir? No? I didn't think so... Well, listen, anyway, I can't seem to get some information I need to wrap this up. These things seem to either be "Not released" or "Not available." I'm sure it's just an oversight or glitch or something, so if you could you tell me where these things are I have them written down here somewhere -- oh wait. I'll just read it to you. Could you please help me find these things, Sir? 1. Occidental College records -- Not released 2. Columbia College records -- Not released 3. Columbia Thesis paper -- Not available 4. Harvard College records -- Not released 5. Selective Service Registration -- Not released 6. Medical records -- Not released 7. Illinois State Senate schedule -- Not available 8. Your Illinois State Senate records -- Not available 9. Law practice client list -- Not released 10. Certified Copy of original Birth certificate -- Not released 11. Embossed, signed paper Certification of Live Birth -- Not released 12. Record of your baptism -- Not available 13. Why your wife, Michelle, can no longer practice law as an attorney ? (Insurance Fraud?_ 14. Why your wife has 22 assistants, when other First Ladies had one? ???????????? 15. Why were you getting "foreign student aid" as a collegestudent ? ?????????? 16. Which countries "passport" did you have when you visited Pakistan in 1981 ? ??????????? Oh and one more thing Mr. President, I can't seem to find any articles you published as editor of the Harvard Law Review, or as a Professor at the University of Chicago?????? Can you explain that to me, Sir? Oh, but hey -- listen! I know you're busy! If this is too much for you right now -- I mean -- tell you what. I'll come back tomorrow. Give you some time to get these things together, you know? I mean, I know you're busy. I'll just let myself out. I'll be back tomorrow. And the day after. . ... What's that Mr. President? Who wants to know these things? We the People of the United States of America ! You know, the ones that vote.

Please forward this to all thinking Americans- obama

. PLEASE READ AND FORWARD WITHOUT CHANGING OR ADDING A SINGLE... Forward this as received, but without comment. DO NOT ADD A SINGLE WORD Yes, he told us in advance what he planned to do. Few were listening. The following is a narrative taken from a 2008 Sunday morning televised "Meet The Press'. From Sunday's 07 Sept. 2008 11:48:04 EST, Televised "Meet the Press" THE THEN Senator Obama was asked about his stance on the American Flag. General Bill Gann' USAF (ret.) asked Obama to explain WHY he doesn't follow protocol when the National Anthem is played. The General stated to Obama that according to the United States Code, Title 36, Chapter 10, Sec. 171... During rendition of the national anthem, when the flag is displayed, all present (except those in uniform) are expected to stand at attention facing the flag with the right hand over the heart. Or, at the very least, "Stand and Face It". NOW GET THIS !! 'Senator ?Obama replied: "As I've said about the flag pin, I don't want to be perceived as taking sides". "There are a lot of people in the world to whom the American flag is a symbol of oppression.." "The anthem itself conveys a war-like message. You know, the bombs bursting in air and all that sort of thing." (ARE YOU READY FOR THIS???) Obama continued: "The National Anthem should be 'swapped' for something less parochial and less bellicose. I like the song 'I'd Like To Teach the World To Sing'. If that were our anthem, then, I might salute it. In my opinion, we should consider reinventing our National Anthem as well as 'redesign' our Flag to better offer our enemies hope and love. It's my intention, if elected, to disarm America to the level of acceptance to our Middle East Brethren. If we, as a Nation of warring people, conduct ourselves like the nations of Islam, where peace prevails - - - perhaps a state or period of mutual accord could exist between our governments ......" When I become President, I will seek a pact of agreement to end hostilities between those who have been at war or in a state of enmity, and a freedom from disquieting oppressive thoughts. We as a Nation, have placed upon the nations of Islam, an unfair injusticewhich is WHY my wife disrespects the Flag and she and I have attended several flag burning ceremonies in the past". "Of course now, I have found myself about to become the President of the United States and I have put my hatred aside. I will use my power to bring CHANGE to this Nation, and offer the people a new path. My wife and I look forward to becoming our Country's First black Family. Indeed, CHANGE is about to overwhelm the United States of America " WHAAAAAAAT, the **** is that??? Yes, you read it right. I, for one, am speechless!!! Dale Lindsborg , Washington Post EVERYONE IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA NEEDS TO READ THIS, KEEP IT GOING ! ! SAVE AMERICA BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE ! ! -- Larry C Miller

Get obama out!

We should do all sane things within our power to see that obama does not fool sufficient American voters for a second term like Hitler did over and over in Nazi Gemany.

Vote 'em out November, 2012!

Five- Gone but not forgotten ... thanks Judi!

Flanked by all five starting underclassmen from his national championship team, John Calipari announced Wednesday what the basketball world has long expected.



All five — Anthony Davis, Michael Kidd-Gilchrist, Terrence Jones, Marquis Teague and Doron Lamb — are headed to the NBA Draft, as is senior Darius Miller.



Davis is the presumptive No. 1 pick, while Kidd-Gilchrist, the freshman out of Somerdale, N.J., and Jones, a sophomore, are likely lottery picks.



Teague is projected to go in the first round and Lamb, a Queens, N.Y., native, could go late-first or early-second.



“During the season, it’s about our team,†Calipari said. “When the season is over, it’s about moments like this.â€



This was a special team, a special group at Kentucky, a group that sacrificed of themselves for greater team goals.



Now the question is, Will something like this ever happen again?



“I think it’s possible…at Kentucky again.,†one veteran NBA scout told SNY.tv. “Although I don’t know how probable it is. It could happen because John demonstrated he’s a special recruiter.â€



Kentucky’s incoming recruiting class is already ranked No. 1 by several national outlets and features four players in Nerlens Noel, Archie Goodwin, Willie Cauley and Alex Poythress.



Kentucky missed out on wing Shabazz Muhammad, who may turn into the best wing scorer in college basketball next year, but remains involved with forwards Anthony Bennett and Amile Jefferson.



The 6-foot-10 Noel is the most heralded of the group, and is projected to slot right into Davis’s slot as the shot-blocking big man at Kentucky.



“Coming out there with Kentucky on my chest, I think that’s going to be big expectations to come out and perform every day,†Noel told FiveStarBasketball.com. “I love it. I live for the pressure, I live for the game.â€



Noel and his fellow newcomers will join sophomore Kyle Wiltjer, the lone returning Wildcat, and N.C. State transfer Ryan Harrow.



They will have huge shoes to fill after what this special Kentucky group accomplished.



“They played great defense, they played very unselfishly,†the NBA scout said. “They all gave up of themselves so they could win. They sacrificed individual stuff for the greater glory.â€



Though there was some thought that Teague and Lamb might remain in college, their stock will likely never be higher than it is right now and the NBA scout said he doesn’t think any of them are making a mistake by coming out now.



“I feel that Teague will be a first-round pick because of his upside, his athleticism, he comes from a basketball family,†the scout said, referring to Marquis’ older brother, Jeff, of the Atlanta Hawks. “He accepted and really thrived with good coaching. He allowed himself to be coached and he improved tremendously as the season progressed.



“He’s a jet. He has the NBA body. He has the NBA physical tools. It comes with the family.â€



As for Lamb, a 6-4 combo guard, Calipari said, “When his motor’s running, there is no better guard in the country.â€



“Doron did a great job,†the NBA scout said. “He’s the best shooter on Kentucky. A good backup point guard can score, can pass. Understands just what the coach wants. He’s really a very underrated player.



“He loves the bright lights. The bigger the game, the bigger the night. On another team, he would’ve got 18 to 20 points on a lesser team.â€



Davis, Kidd-Gilchrist (who’s just 18) and Jones are all no-brainers, the scout said.



“What more can be said,†the scout said of DAvis. “The draft begins at 2 because Anthony Davis is a lock at 1. All the awards, all the accoladaes are well deserved.â€



He added: “Michael Kidd-Gilchrist is I think anywhere from 3 to 8. And Terrence Jones is I think probably 10 to 16.â€



All in all, this was a special team.



Even the John Wall/DeMarcus Cousins team, with all its talent, wasn’t cohesive enough to win a title.



But this team, with all its talent, sacrificed to get Calipari his first championship.



And now the pressure will fall to next year’s group.



Can it happen again?



Time will tell, but Calipari is likely the only coach who could ever make it happen.





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